Episode 05: Tailypo
/Learn about the Tailypo, a.k.a. “The Sphinx of West Virginia,” from our first ever guest star! Eric Schneider, also our editor and all-around right-hand man, will teach us about this creepy woodsy myth. Plus, an excellent movie pitch and some highly suspect Gilligan’s Island headcanon.
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Our music is "Danger Storm" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0
AM: Welcome to Episode Five of Spirits podcast with our guest and editor, Eric Schneider.
JS: We're going to talk about – well, Eric is going to talk about today a folklore from Appalachia.
AM: Appalachia, as locals would say.
JS: I'm going to say Appalachia.
AM: You're going to hear some back and forth.
JS: That is creepy.
AM: It is really creepy.
JS: A little rapey.
AM: A bit rapey like – like many good myths.
JS: Yes, like many good myths
AM: We don't endorse it.
JS: It's very rapey.
AM: Just we're mocking on it.
JS: And it scared his cousin. So, that's a big goddamn deal.
AM: It scared me as well.
JS: A little bit. A little creepy. Kind of creepy. Kind of cool.
AM: Kind of creepy. Kind of cool.
JS: So, we're gonna let Eric kind of lead you guys into it. To go with our sort of woodsy Appalachian mythology here, we are doing shots of moonshine. We did shots of moonshine. Eric was drinking wine out of a box.
AM: So, overall, I think the aesthetic is – is quite appropriate for this wonderful homegrown you know? Woodsy Appalachian myth.
Episode Intro
AM: So, today, I'm very excited to be joined by a special guest. Somebody that I know very well, have met at least four times, my longtime internet friend, my old internet brethren, Eric Schneider.
E. Schneider: Hello, it's me.
JS: Hi, Eric!
AM: Have you guys met?
JS: No.
E. Schneider: Yes.
JS: Oh, yeah.
E. Schneider: Yes. Yes.
JS: No, we did. We got drunk at a party together. So, clearly, we've met.
E. Schneider: Yes.
AM: So, very own brand.
JS: As...
E. Schneider: Perfect, we nailed it.
JS: As I do.
AM: Excellent, good. So, I know nothing about what you’re bringing to the table today, Eric. I know that it's a contemporary myth and/or lore.
E. Schneider: Yes.
JS: And neither do I, which is weird.
E. Schneider: Yeah.
AM: Right, Julia is normally in the – in the position of power here, having prepared, done her reading, her, you know? Footnoted citations.
JS: I'm not prepared at all, and it feels very strange, and I do not like it.
AM: What's it like to be on this side of the table, girl?
JS: Scary. Why do you – why do you do this?
AM: That's how I do, man. I just roll through life not prepared, wingin’ it, taking what comes. That's not how I do.
AM: Please, please don’t do that ever. Yes...
JS: I'm the most Type A personality.
E. Schneider: Sounds just like Amanda.
AM: I – just, just then I felt like I was – I was parodying David Duchovny in those – in those posters for Californication. Is that the show he's in?
JS: Yes.
AM: Yeah. I've never watched the show. I've just seen the posters and just him like lounging with like an open tie.
JS: Like, I just assumed he like – I just assumed he just like a wears aviator glasses and sucks weed the entire episode.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Like, that says David Dochuvny sitting on a desk, tie undone, smoking some weed with aviator glasses.
E. Schneider: I think he has a lot of sex in that show, too.
AM: Well, that's disappointing.
E. Schneider: I think that's the best part of the show.
AM: All right. Well, let's not push the boundaries of reality in terms of my, you know? Parodying David Dochuvny.
JS: Understanding David Dochuvny.
E. Schneider: That's fair.
AM: I'm not a method actor.
JS: I just want him to have dad jokes. That's all I want. That's all I asked for.
AM: I know. I know. I can bring the dad jokes.
JS: Yeah.
AM: Cool. Well --
JS: You and David, David Dochuvny both.
AM: Here we are in our Dochuvny [inaudible 3:23] with Eric remoting in from the great State of Ohio.
E. Schneider: Yes.
AM: To tell us some myths. Go.
E. Schneider: So, today, I'm going to be talking about the story of Tailypo, which is a Appalachian myth.
AM: Appalachian myth.
E. Schneider: Sometimes, it is called Taileybones, sometimes Taileypaw, but the common pronunciation is Tailypo.
AM: Cool.
JS: Bones and Paw sound like a good start to anything.
E. Schneider: Yeah.
AM: It does.
JS: Please continue.
E. Schneider: I first heard this story – I think I was five or six years old. And we were camping out in Ashtabula, Ohio and they played this old reel-to-reel film of Tailypo.
JS: Wow
E. Scheider: On like this – on the like Saturday night amphitheater night for all the kids and whatnot.
AM: That sounds amazing.
ES: And...
JS: That sounds very Appalachia.
E. Schneider: And, yes. This, this isn't in Appalachia though. But the, this old reel to reel – I have looked everywhere.
JS: Can't find it?
E. Schneider: Like, probably like every six months, I scour the internet for anything remotely close to this recording that I saw, and I have not come up with anything. One of the main reasons I remember it is that my older cousin – he's a year older than me – was scared to death by this thing. And sometimes I'll just like, text him it. And he's like, "I hate you."
AM: Let's scare our cool older cousins, I guess-- [4:39]
E. Schneider: Yeah. Like it was a big win for me because like it didn't scare me.
AM: --are worth remembering.
E. Schneider: But he was terrified. Like, he couldn't sleep that night.
AM: Very good.
E. Schneider: We'll get to the part – we’ll get to the point in which the story becomes very scary. So, Tailypo is the story. There is a – it's like hunting season. There is this old her – sometimes a hermit, sometimes it's just an old hunter. But he's very hungry. He hasn't been able to catch anything much this season, and he has three dogs. That's also important. So, hunter, three dogs, pretty much in the middle of nowhere, hasn't caught a lot of game this season.
JS: A recipe for disasters.
E. Schneider: Exactly.
AM: They're ravenous.
E. Schneider: They're ravenous.
AM: Topical joke!
JS: Topical joke.
AM: David [Inaudible 5:20], please subscribe to us on iTunes.
E. Schneider: And he – so, he's trying to hunt one night. And he doesn't get anything. And he goes to bed, and then, he hears the scratching, he can't figure out what it is. He wakes up. And, in the cabin, he sees this cat-like creature with these bright, yellow eyes, bright blue eyes.
AM: No!
JS: Yes!
E. Schneider: It's described differently. Sometimes, it's described kind of as a bobcat, sometimes, as a cougar. The story I remember I – this is probably wrong. But my vision is that the tail was that of a skunk, but then the rest of it was very cat-like. So, he sees --
JS: Interesting.
AM: [inaudible 6:07]
E. Schneider: So, he sees this thing, and it scares him. He--
JS: Well, no shit.
E. Schneider: --cuts off its tail. And the thing --
AM: Make it into a skin cap?
JS: So, probably not a bobcat because they have the little stumpy tails.
E. Schneider: Probably not a bobcat.
JS: But – yeah.
E. Schneider: But like, it had like --
AM: Stop being a naturalist, Julia
JS: Sorry.
E. Schneider: -- it has like bob – it has like, like bobcat-esque ears.
JS: Like a little tufty ears, yeah.
E. Schneider: It's kind of like a mishmash of a bunch of just Appalachian four-legged creatures.
AM: Even scarier.
E. Schneider: Exactly.
JS: Sounds about right.
E. Schneider: And he gets the tail, and it runs off. Sometimes, he chops it off with an ax. Sometimes, he shoots it off with a shotgun. It's an Appalachian folk story so, there's a lot of variations, obviously. So, then he leaves – the creature leaves, and the dogs chase after it as well.
AM: Naturally.
E. Schneider: Unfortunately, only two of the dogs come back.
AM: Noooooo!!!!!!!!
JS: Noooooo!!!!!!! The puppies.
E. Schneider: The, the the dogs – one of the dogs presumably has been – has been gotten --
AM: Eaten!
E. Schneider: -- by the Tailypo.
JS: The dog got got?
AM: No!
E. Schneider: It got, got. So, then, what happens is he sends another dog after it the next day.
JS: Uh-oh.
AM: Bad choice. Bad choice.
JS: It's terrible, dude.
E. Schneider: That dog also --
JS: Doesn't come back.
E. Schneider: Not good.
JS: No.
E. Schneider: Does not make it back.
AM: See? This is the opposite of what you should do.
E. Schneider: Exactly.
JS: But like, so traditional myth in like they – they send the first son to find the golden goose, and then he doesn't come back. And the second son, they send it out. You know? That kind of thing.
AM: What's the worst that's gonna happen on a quest for golden goose? He finds it. And like it's shiny, and he stays? Like...
JS: No, usually they end up like not even finding it and they'd be like, "I found this brothel and that sounded good.”
AM: Oh right, yeah. Like, I found the bride in the neighboring city.
JS: Yeah.
AM: And goodbye mom and dad.
E. Schneider: So, then, the next night, he wakes up --
AM: One dog left.
E. Schneider: -- with the feeling that there's something in the room.
AM: Aahhhh!!!
JS: Always a good feeling
E. Schneider: And he hears, in a man's voice --
AM: Oh no!
JS: No. No.
E. Schneider: Tailypo!
JS: Oh no!!!!!
AM: Noooo!!!!
E. Schneider: Tailypo! Give me back my Tailypo!
JS: Ohhhhhh!
AM: Ohhhh!
JS: Yeah.
E. Schneider: That's what scared my cousin to death.
AM: That is scary!
JS: He wants that fucking skunk tail back.
AM: There's just freakin’ animal parts lying all over the place in life.
E. Schneider: Yes.
AM: Fur coats, fur hats, mounted heads on the wall.
E. Schneider: And...
JS: Eric, there's one in your apartment!
E. Schneider: There is. There is a deer head in my apartment.
AM: No!
JS: The deer is gonna start talking to you. It'd be like, "I want my bodypo!"
E. Schneider: No. Don't, don't – no.
AM: That's the worst nightmare!
E. Schneider: Don't bring that into my life.
JS: Bodypo!
E. Schneider: Don't suggest that the animal on my wall starts talking to me!
AM: Bodypo!
JS: I want my Bodypo!
AM: I want my Bodypo.
E. Schneider: So, the creature leaves that night. Unfortunately, with the third dog.
AM: No! Oh, come on!
JS: Is he making the dogs into a tail? Like, what's happening here?
E. Schneider: No. I think it's just some--
JS: Like, weird human centipede style.
E. Schneider: -- some kind of crazy
AM: Eew!
E. Schneider: -- some kind of crazy creature that wants to eat a bunch of dogs, and that's, that's what it does.
AM: Or just you took my tail, I'll take your dogs.
E. Schneider: Yeah.
JS: Also, totally explains why he wasn't catching a lot of game at the end of the season and stuff.
AM: Yeah.
JS: That makes sense because the Tailypo has eaten all of the deer and crap.
E. Schneider: Yeah. This thing is [9:25 inaudible]
JS: I know what's up in Appalachia, deer.
AM: Appalachia. Appalachia.
E. Schneider: D-d-deer. Mostly just deer and one Tailypo.
AM: And several bobcats who are too scared.
E. Schneider: So, another night comes to pass, and the man wakes up to the Tailypo on his chest once again.
AM: Oh, no!
JS: Like a cat.
E. Schneider: “Tailypo! Tailypo!” He, scared to death, screams, "I haven't got your Tailypo." And that means like maybe if I reason with this --
AM: Right.
E. Schneider: -- weird…
AM: Cat with a man's voice.
JS: Cat thing that has eaten all of my dogs.
E. Schneider: Exactly. It will leave. And that doesn't work because the creature yells back, "Yes, you have! Yes, you have!"
JS: Oh yeah!
E. Schneider: He is not having it. And, in different variations of the story, he kills the – the man.
JS: Finally.
E. Schneider: And, in some more graphic stories, he sodomizes him before killing him.
JS: Yeah!
AM: Oh, god! Oh, humankind, what hath your subconscious wrought.
JS: I mean, you know? Gotta make it worse for the dude. I'm assuming that the Tailypo --
AM: He already ate his dogs.
JS: I guess the Tailypo is a dude. We assume. I mean the male voice and the sodomizing --
AM: Righ?
JS: -- like, make sense, right?
AM: No, it doesn't! What's the difference? It doesn't make sense
JS: I like a lot of Greek mythology. Everything makes sense to me.
E. Schneider: And that's pretty much the entirety of Tailypo. It's not a super long story.
AM: What's the moral here?
E. Schneider: I don't think there's a moral!
JS: Don't cut off animals?
E. Schneider: I don't think there's a moral. I think it is just an old Appalachian folk tale.
AM: [inaudible 11:13] episode!
JS: I feel it's like taxidermy is bad might be it.
E. Schneider: Is it? Or, is it a great episode?
AM: Right. Or like, kids don't cut off animals tails for spite. They'll eat your pets, sodomize you, and/or kill you.
JS: I'm with you, Eric. I think that a mythology and lore doesn't always have to have like a – like theme or a like, lesson at the end of it. Sometimes, it's just to scare small children into doing shit that they shouldn't normally do. Or like, not doing shit that they normally would do.
AM: Listening to their parents.
JS: Yes. Listen to your parents. Don't cut off tails of animals.
AM: Like, don't we have enough enui in daily life? Like, really?
JS: Apparently not in Appalachia.
AM: Do we need to continue to like tell ourselves stories? I mean let's, let's just – let's think this through a little bit. So, you know, who, who told this story? Like, someone's crazy Uncle Bob and his three dogs, like Jack, Black and, and Morgan?
JS: Why did they end up being Jack Black? Is my question.
E. Schneider: Are those the names of the dogs? Or, is Jack Black the witless uncle?
JS: So, Jack Black is the uncle in this situation.
E. Schneider: OK.
JS: And then, all three dogs are named Morgan.
E. Schneider: So, would that – would that [12:20] cast in the Tailypo movie? Jack Black as the uncle.
AM: No!
E. Schneider: The dog --
JS: Morgan Freeman plays the Tailypo.
E. Schneider: The, uhhh, the dog from Wishbone is one of the dogs.
AM: No!!!
JS: Absolutely.
E. Schneider: The dog from Frasier is another one.
AM: And Air Bud.
E. Schneider: And Air Bud. Air Bud. The fo… If I through – if I have to think of three hunting dogs, it would be those three dogs.
JS: I was going to do Beethoven. But, all right, if you guys want to do Air Bud.
AM: Beethoven couldn't fit inside the Tailypo.
JS: Oh, well, the Tailypo was not sized out. You don't know how big the Tailypo is.
AM: It sat on the guy’s chest without crushing him.
JS: I mean, not necessarily, he might have been crushed.
E. Schneider: Also, you don't know how much of this dog he's eaten.
AM: It could be like, holding its weight on the hind leg.
E. Schneider: He could – he could take a couple bites out of Beethoven.
AM: Awww!
JS: I mean like, just, he held the guy down and sodomized him. So, like he had to be like heavy.
AM: OK. All right. Let's move on.
E. Schneider: Let’s move on from the details of that part.
AM: Let's move on pass that particular verb, which may not be said again.
JS: So, Eric, why do you think this is like a story that has persisted?
AM: Wait. I didn't finish my myth.
JS: Oh, no. Sorry.
E. Schneider: Go ahead.
AM: I didn’t finish my backstory. So, someone’s crazy uncle --
JS: Jack Black. Continue.
E. Schneider: Jack Black's [13:26 inaudible] of the story. It's good.
AM: And --
JS: She can't even finish. She just finds it so ridiculous.
AM: With Wishbone, Air Bud and the other one.
E. Schneider: Frasier.
JS: Well, [inaudible 13:41] one you pick. Frasier's dog.
E. Schneider: Eddie.
AM: What, what is Frasier?
JS: Frasier is the show with what's his face.
E. Schneider: Kelsey Grammer.
JS: Eric, help me.
AM: Wait. This one isn't Seinfeld, right?
E. Schneider: No. That's --
JS: No. Not Seinfeld.
E. Schneider: -- the spinoff of Cheers.
JS: The spinoff of Cheers.
AM: In my head, Cheers is the bar that they go to after Gilligan's Island.
JS: What?! How is that a thing?! Why do you think? What?
E. Schneider: This is just – this podcast is taking a quick 180 for --
JS: Oh, no! But it's so good.
E. Schneider: -- Amanda and Eric's podcast or Amanda and Eric's pop culture hour.
JS: Oh, no!
AM: OK, readers, listeners…
JS: Readers, we’ll send you a transcript of this. We don’t know what’s going on.
E. Schneider: Every episode of Gilligan's Island, ends with them still on the island. Why are they going to a bar?
JS: I, I never watched the end of Gilligan's Island. Do they finally get off the island at some point?
E. Schneider: They got off the island in the movie.
JS: Oh OK.
E. Schneider: And then they go back to the island. And then, at the end of the show, they got off the island the second time.
JS: So, it's like Lost, but funny.
AM: So, listen guys.
E. Schneider: Yeah, I would describe Giligan's Island as Lost, but funny.
JS: Lost but funny...
AM: I don't know – OK.
E. Schneider: Just like I described Lost as Gilligan's Island, but with time travel.
JS: Yes!
AM: I have no knowledge of pop culture before the year 2000. Before which, I either, A. was reading books, B. Babysitting, or, C. Was not born. So, in my head, when I read about sitcoms from the earlier eras in human history --
E. Schneider: Yeah.
JS: They're all connected.
AM: They're all just in the universe.
JS: Like a weird multiverse kind of thing.
AM: They're all just in the universe. Yes.
E. Schneider: I'm willing to bet I think Fraser was on up until 2003.
AM: I --
JS: It was though.
AM: I doubt – oh, would, would a child me be watching it?
JS: Well, wasn't David Hyde Pierce on Frasier?
E. Schneider: Yes.
JS: Eric, am I right – I‘m thinking of the right show.
E. Schneider: He was Frasier's brother, Dr. Niles.
JS: Yeah. It's like a – it's a show, Amanda.
AM: That means nothing to me.
JS: Do you know who David Hyde Pierce is?
AM: That means nothing to me. It doesn't matter.
JS: I know you know who David Hyde Pierce is.
AM: I know that because he was in the theater.
JS: Yes.
AM: That's how I know.
JS: Yes.
E. Schneider: Frasier ended, May 2004.
JS: Thank you, Eric.
AM: Your knowledge is way too specific.
JS: He Googled that shit.
AM: [inaudible 15:43] this later.
JS: You know, he Googled that shit.
E. Schneider: Well, as a quality producer, I looked it up.
JS: Thank you.
AM: Whatever. We do fact-checking in your two-bedroom apartment in Cleveland.
JS: Oh, no! We're getting into this.
E. Schneider: I have – I have a one-bedroom apartment. And it's in the suburbs.
AM: OK. OK. OK. I [inaudible 16:02] my point, almost.
E. Schneider: That's like – that's like having – that's like having a one-bedroom apartment in Staten Island by New York City standards.
AM: Wow. Look at your New Year's reference.
JS: What New Year's? Your New Year's reference. OK. Bringing it back to Tailypo here!
E. Schneider: Yeah.
JS: Bringing it back to tailypo.
AM: Anyway…
JS: You had a question? Or can I move on to my question?
AM: No.
JS: OK.
AM: My final statement was I imagine this myth arising, right? From like someone's crazy uncle, who went off into the forest with his three dogs to like, you know, hunker down during hunting season, and hunt, and like be by himself, and recite like scripture or a Victorian poetry or whatever it is he's reciting. And doesn't come back, right? So, a month after the hunting – hunting season ends, you know? Said boy or whatever originator of the myth goes, looks at the cabin, sees his uncle torn to pieces/maybe some incriminating evidence about same-sex liaisons, his dogs are missing. In reality, maybe they've gone off to live a happy life free in the forest like some animal – animal movie from the late 90s, must have ended. [17:08] But –
JS: What was that? Hold on. What was that movie?
AM: How do you react? How do you – Free Willy or something?
JS: No. That's a whale.
AM: That's a whale.
JS: What's the one with the two dogs and the cat?
E. Schneider: That's Homeward Bound with Chance...
JS: Homeward Bound!
E. Schneider: Chance, Shadow, and Sassy.
JS: Homeward Bound.
AM: Homeward Bound. Yes!
JS: Chance, Shadow, and who was the last one?
AM: Oh! Yes. Excellent. The point being, inexplicable events...
E. Schneider: [Inaudible17:27]
JS: Yeah.
AM: You explain them per myth.
JS: Yeah.
E. Schneider: Now, I should – I should add that the version that we saw as children was--
AM: Wait. Now, wait, what was? Was this was a documentary? Was this a cartoon? What was it?
E. Schneider: It was a live-action thing.
JS: Oh no!
E. Schneider: I remember Tailypo looking terrifying. But I think it also ended – there are – there are versions that – that involved a young man – a young boy instead of a man and like no one dies. In the version I saw, I'm pretty sure no one dies and the dogs do come back at the end.
AM: That’s OK.
E. Schneider: So, like I guess the dogs are just lost the whole time because it was – they were showing this to children. So, presumably, they're not showing like dogs getting murdered.
AM: Where were you? Were you in a Bible camp?
JS: So, no animal slaughtering, yeah. In the children’s version. [18:13]
E. Schneider: Yes. But the, the common myth is I mean nobody makes it out alive but Tailypo. But, in our version, I want to say I remembered ending with like, the man still alive, the dogs coming back to him, and like his family showing up the even? I feel like another person shows up at the end of it.
AM: That sounds like a super false happy ending.
E. Schneider: Yes, which is why it's not nearly as good as a – of a story.
JS: I agree.
AM: But like, I'm still left to ask, like, what is the point?
JS: What is – yeah. How did this story like continue to be told? Like I can imagine it like the drunk around the campfire story. But like, someone made a fucking movie about this. Lik,e who went out of their way to make the movie of Tailypo and why?
E. Schneider: There are – there are more – like there's still – like there is the one that I saw on Real is Real. But, if you like Google Tailypo, there are like a handful of like books like on Amazon and some like shorts people have posted on like Vimeo or YouTube. Like it's apparently like a somewhat well-known --
AM: Vimeo. That's legit.
E. Schneider: Like somewhat well-known like, legend. So like, multiple people have made this. Like someone just also made one in like 1990.
AM: Are there other Tailypo encounters out there? Or is it just the one guy?
E. Schneider: I believe it's just – this is the one story. And then there are just variations of it. They are not like--
AM: [inaudible 19:34]
E. Schneider: It's not like Bigfoot where multiple people are finding Bigfoot. It's this is the one story we have about Tailypo. No one else has really apparently seen the guy.
AM: And it's, you know --
JS: It's just out there waiting for you --
E. Schneider: It's just out there waiting for you and your three dogs.
AM: Sodomize you, eat your dogs.
JS: I assume it's because no one was stupid enough to cut off this weird creepy animal's tail.
E. Schneider: Yeah. So, that's the key.
AM: Does it regenerate like a lizard?
JS: No.
E. Schneider: If you – no. It just wants it’s tail back.
JS: He had the stumpy bobcat's tail after that.
AM: Or bobcats come from?
E. Schneider: No, he – no. No. There is – no. Here's, here's, here's your moral, Amanda.
AM: OK.
E. Schneider: If the guy admitted just to cutting off the tail, maybe he would have --
JS: So, the real man.
AM: Ohhh!
E. Schneider: -- made an – it's a story about not lying. Don't lie to weird creatures like sphinxes. Could you lie to a sphinx? Is there a --
JS: I was literally just thinking of sphinxes.
E. Schneider: Sphinxes, you can lie to, right?
JS: Yeah. Because they'll like, be like, "No. You're lying. Here solve my fucking riddle because you raped your mom or had sex with your mom."
E. Schneider: Exactly.
JS: Oedipus has – sorry. Oedipus has a story about this thing.
AM: Oedipus isn't Egyptian!
JS: No. But the Sphinx exist in Greek mythology.
AM: Oh!
JS: And it exists all over the place.
AM: I think we'll probably get to that at some point.
JS: [20:42 inaudible]
E. Schneider: So, you could say Tailypo is the Sphinx of West Virginia.
JS: And good Sphinx is it.
E. Schneider: Yes.
AM: It sounds like a great band name; the Sphinx of West Virginia.
JS: Oh, my god!
AM: I'm writing it down.
E. Schneider: That does sound like a good band name.
AM: Writing it down.
JS: Put it on the list.
AM: It's on the list. Listeners, you will come to understand that I have an ear for band names and naming things more generally.
JS: Not that you will ever be in a band in which you can name.
AM: Oh, no. I have no musical talent.
JS: No, not at all.
AM: I was actually relistening to this original broadcast recording of a Rent yesterday and realized that all of my audition songs are like Anthony Rapp's or Jesse L. Martin's songs in Rent, down two keys.
JS: Because they're all tenor.
AM: So, that can now tell you what kind of musical talents I have. Anyway, anything else to add, Eric?
JS: Tailypo?
E. Schneider: That, that – I mean, I just don't – don't lie to creatures. If you cut off the tails – a creature's tail, own up to it and everything will be fine.
AM: Wait. Is there some like 40-incher you're going on there? Like he castrated the animal. And, so, he’s – I don't know – violated in some way?
E. Schneider: I don’t know. I mean, if I had a tail, I wouldn't --
JS: It’s the tail phallic?
E. Schneider: I wouldn't take someone cutting off my tail as a offense to do the terrible things he does or kill him. Like I would be like, "OK. You should probably go to jail." I might punch a bit, but I'm not gonna --
AM: There are no Tailypo jails.
JS: Yeah. But there are no Tailypo jails. So, basically, Tailypo, don't cut off animal's body parts.
E. Schneider: Really it's a lesson about not hunting, you shouldn't hunt.
AM: It is. It's almost a, amoralist, you know? Vegetarian type thing,
E. Schneider: Which is very progressive for like…
JS: West Virginia, Appalachia.
E. Schneider: West Virginia like...
AM: What does the guy do for living? How does he just take off hunting season to go live in his cabin with his dogs?
JS: Maybe that's what he was like. That's how he lives...
E. Schneider: No. I mean in some of the stories – some of the --
JS: Like, he just lives [inaudible 22:38]
AM: [inaudible] hunter?
E. Schneider: In some of the legends, I did say he is a hermit. So, he could just be living out in the woods.
AM: Ohh…
E. Scheider: So, this could just be his thing. And he could just not be --
JS: With his puppies.
E. Schneider: -- catching anything to eat for a while.
AM: I like to think of the Tailypo just roaming around there, watching from the trees as Appalachian Trail hikers like frolic and take them molly and fricking film their YouTube videos.
JS: Where have you been getting molly from?
AM: I wanna say...
E. Schneider: So, you're putting a modern like, reboot of Tailypo.
AM: Yes, I am. I am.
JS: I'm into it.
AM: I think it will be a great like--
E. Schneider: This is the one with Jack Black.
JS: Yes. This is the one where Jack Black trips on molly.
AM: No. No. No. This is the one with like Amanda Seyfried and --
JS: Oh, yeah.
AM: -- the Hemsworth that's older.
E. Schneider: Liam.
AM: Chris?
JS: Chris.
E. Schneider: Chris. Chris.
JS: No. Liam’s the baby one.
AM: Liam is younger, Eric.
E. Schneider: So, I know I said it. I knew I was wrong instantly.
AM: And then this is the reboot. Yes. With Amanda Seyfried, Chris Hemsworth like inexplicably shirtless, like having sex in a river or something.
AM: And then…
JS: Like, like, Cabin in the Woods, but a little bit better.
AM: Exactly. On that blotching Trail. He’s post-Wild.
E. Schneider: So, is it like sex with Amanda Seyfried or the Tailypo here?
AM: With Amanda Seyfried.
JS: Both at the end.
E. Schneider: OK
AM: Between those two, which would we all choose? Amanda Seyfried.
E. Schneider: True.
JS: Well yeah, but then the later scene --
AM: Oh, right. Exactly what I'm saying.
E. Schneider: So, these two are walking the Appalachian Trail. It's 2016.
AM: Yes, it is...
E. Schneider: They're like – they're like, "Oh, no."
AM: Maybe 2017. We need to get a budget, come on.
E. Schneider: There's no Snapchat filter on the Appalachian Trail.
AM: Right.
E. Schneider: Stuff like that happening.
AM: That's… that sucks.
AM: Exactly. Exactly. Because these days what any, you know, upper middle class like entitled millennial wants to do to find themselves is either like go on a retreat to India. But that's kind of Eat Pray Love. That's kind of middle age or whatever. Kind of passé. So, they go on a Pacific Crest Trail. But, no, that one is too mainstream. There's a movie about it last summer, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I recommend the book. And, so, the lesser-known Indie version of that is the Appalachian Trail. That's what I'm saying.
E. Schneider: They could come across the cabin from the original Legend too.
JS: Oohhhh!
AM: Right.
E. Schneider: And they stayed--
JS: Yeah.
AM: Yeah.
E. Schneider: --they stayed there.
AM: Yes.
E. Schneider: And that's – and the Tailypo comes for them then.
AM: Right.
JS: And they find the tail and then, wooh!
AM: They're like rescue mutt that's with them like wearing a photogenic bandana--
E. Schneider: Yeah…
AM: --goes missing.
E. Schneider: Yeah. And also Aviators.
JS: The dogs had been adopted from the [Inaudible 25:01] dying
E. Schneider: Because that always looks good on a dog.
JS: Oh, yeah.
AM: Right.
JS: And David Duchovny.
E. Schneider: David Duchovny. The dog – the dog is played by David Duchovny.
AM: Named David Duchovny. I would name a dog David Duchovny.
JS: I know.
AM: Stop shitting about David Duchovny. Come on. It's so good.
E. Schneider: I would – I mean I'd watch that movie.
AM: That's what I'm saying. There's all kinds of dramatic potential in the 21st century.
JS: I mean the point being, that the Tailypo is a myth that has persisted into the present and totally should be remade into a movie so that we can scare more of Eric's older cousins.
E. Schneider: Yes.
AM: I'm just saying, Hollywood producers, you heard it here first on Spirits: A Drunken Dive into Myths and Legends, you know? It'd be a great movie. We're open to auctioning the rights.
E. Schneider: We will happily give you our --
AM: We only --
E. Schneider: -- addresses for royalty checks.
AM: Right.
JS: We will skip Amanda Seyfried for Anna Kendrick, if you want to go that kind of one more [inaudible 25:55] style --
AM: Oh, no, wait, guys, I fucked up.
JS: -- you know who we need. Who do we need?
AM: Kat Dennings.
JS: Oh, yeah!
AM: Kat Dennings looks great in a sports bra. That's very important for anything that's happening on the trail.
JS: And she's already been in the movie with Chris Hemsworth. So, that works perfectly.
AM: Exactly. They probably – their agents know each other – something or other. It looks great in any lighting. Her hair looks great up or down. Shoots pretty well in all situations, that's what I'm saying. And she could be the one, you know, lone survivor escaping like beautifully dirt-streaked.
JS: Because she actually tells the Tailypo where his tail is --
AM: She has [inaudible 26:24].
JS: -- likes you're supposed to.
AM: And she may be vegetarian. Like she just she plays kind of, you know? [inaudible 26:31]
JS: Oh, she's vegan in the movie. That's why – that's why she survives.
AM: Oh, nice. Nice. And her like d-bag Australian meat-eating boyfriend --
JS: Like sneaks, sneaks a hamburger and then dies.
AM: Meat-eating in more ways than one.
JS: No!
AM: Oh no! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!
JS: Oh no. So, Tailypo coming to theaters near you in 2018?
AM: ‘18. Gives time for post-production.
E. Schneider: Yeah, probably about a year of pre-production, and film and...
JS: Yeah.
JS: Yeah. I think so.
E. Schneider: It's real easy because it's almost all one location, really.
JS: Yeah.
AM: We can do CGI and the Tailypo.
JS: It can be real good. No. We can do Hanson Company. We're going to use real effects.
AM: No, we're not.
JS: Yes, we are.
AM: I don't want a 400-pound Tailypo muppet lying around.
JS: No, Tailypo muppet lying around. What's wrong with you?
E. Schneider: I want – I think whoever did those creatures from Attack the Block would do a great job with Tailypo.
JS: Oh, yeah. Solid man.
AM: Totally agree. Instead of yellow eyes, have some like green goo.
E. Schneider: Yeah, it’s good...
JS: Yes. I'm into it.
Outro
AM: Spirits was created by Julia Schifini and me, Amanda McLoughlin is edited by Eric Schneider.
E. Schneider: Hey.
AM: Allison Wakeman, design and logo.
JS: Subscribe to Spirits in your podcast app to make sure you never miss an episode. Our website is spiritspodcast.com and you can also find us @SpiritsPodcast on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and SoundCloud.
AM: On our Patreon page, patreon.com/spiritspodcasts. You can sign up for exclusive content like behind the scenes, photos, audio, extras, blooper reels, and beautiful recipe cards of custom drink and snack pairings to go along with each show.
JS: Every little bit helps as we get our first season off the ground. Even better, if you liked the show, share it with your friends, and leave us a review on iTunes.
AM: Thanks so much for listening, ‘til next time.