Episode 163: SEXY (and Spooky) URBAN LEGENDS XXX
/First it’s spooky. Then it’s sexy. That’s right, it’s our THIRTIETH Your Urban Legends special! Hear all about menacing cows, ghost crushes, and a very VERY sexy Mothman.
Join the MultiCrew for just $5 at multicrew.club! This week, Julia recommends Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey.
Content Warning: This episode contains conversations about death, haunting, temporary paralysis, hallucinations, home invasion, night terrors, mention of a car accident, and discussion of sexual fantasies including explicit sexual language (final 13 minutes of the episode).
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Transcript
Amanda: Welcome to Spirits Podcast, a boozy dive into mythology, legends and folklore. Every week we pour a drink and learn about a new story from around the world. I'm Amanda.
Julia: And I am Julia.
Amanda: And we're about to inflict on you episode one 163, sexy and spooky, urban legends, triple X.
Julia: I don't think inflict is the right word. I feel like we're treating our listeners-
Amanda: It's true. It's true. We're inviting you to enjoy, since Rome and it's numerals told us this is going to be the sexiest urban legends episode. We certainly finished sexy, but we also start unexpectedly spooky and that's on me people. That's on me.
Julia: Amanda is like, "Why don't I just ease us in." And then it just would to complete shit and I love it.
Amanda: Well, I searched the inbox for the word bed and that's what came up, so.
Julia: Oh, you messed up my friend.
Amanda: That's just a DIY adventure here. Though I will say, I know that some families listen together and you may want to, for the final 13 spooky minutes of this podcast, the last 13 are the sexy ones. So if you want to make sure that you have some grounding age appropriate discussions before getting into that, that's on you.
Julia: I'm going to say I think the first two are not super sexy, and then the last two are like questionable.
Amanda: Getting there.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Getting there.
Julia: So think about it before you do it.
Amanda: We don't though, have to think about how happy we are to have these new patrons with us. Samnytodd, great username, Ritwick, Tonya, and Sweetserverday, welcome. You joined the distinguished ranks of such supporting producer level patrons as Philip, Megan, Debra, Molly, Skyla, Samantha, Sammy, Neil, Jessica, and feel fresh.
Julia: And we would love to go to the Moth Band festival. You'll learn why later. With our legend level patrons, Brittany, Josie, Kylie, Charlotte, Kylo, Morgan, Emily, BMEupscotty, Audra, Chris, Mark, Mr. Folk, Sarah and Jack Murray.
Amanda: Absolutely lovely. And Julia you'll tell us a bit about this beer in the episode, but remind us what we're drinking.
Julia: It is the extra sexy beer, which I bought only for the name. And it is from Endless Pint Brewing.
Amanda: And happily it was also delicious.
Julia: It was, it was delicious.
Amanda: Oh and are you reading or listening to or watching anything good this week?
Julia: Yes, so I picked up finally, I am a big fan of Sarah Gailey's work, but I finally picked up their book Magic For Liars, which is basically like a queerer, newer Harry Potter for adults.
Amanda: Incredible.
Julia: You're going to love it.
Amanda: I cannot wait to put it on my library list.
Julia: As a reminder for our listeners, we're going to, moving forward, be telling you what our myth movie night movie is before we release the episode. So you have time to watch it along with us and then you don't have to worry about spoilers for the film.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: So next week we are going to be covering Only Lovers Left Alive, which is Amanda's favorite vampire movie-
Amanda: Sure is.
Julia: And we're going to be talking about vampires.
Amanda: Yay. So watch it if you haven't seen it yet. If you have, refresh yourself. It's beautiful. It is pretty short. It's lovely. It's not too spooky. So I hope you enjoy.
Julia: Yes, I'm sure they will.
Amanda: We are super excited also to tell you that we're going to be in LA. We are doing a live show the day after Valentine's Day, like All Saints Day, but after Valentine's Day instead of Halloween-
Julia: And all Valentine's saints day.
Amanda: Exactly.
Julia: Saint Valentine's day. Yeah, sure.
Amanda: That's it. We couldn't be more excited. We are going to be opened for by joining the party. So you'll get probably double Julia and me that night and we are just beyond stoked. We cannot wait to see everybody out for our first California show.
Julia: Yeah, I'm so excited. I love LA and the fact that we're performing there is wild.
Amanda: Yeah. So to get tickets to that or our Austin live show on February 27th or our may show in Boston at the museum of science, please go ahead to multitude.productions/live.
And finally we are so, so stoked to tell you that the multi-crew has gotten an update for 2020. Now if you forgotten, this is our membership program for Multitude. It's the way that we say, "Hey, we are doing this like a great artist experiment of trying to make an independent living as podcasters." So we're inviting you to help us fund new work instead of relying on companies to say yes to us or getting like a loan or selling part of our company, we are saying, "Hey, we believe in you."
We know you believe in us and we are giving you such rewards as a weekly show, debate show, head heart gut with all your multi-crew friends and now stuff like a sticker pack, a Finsta, free tickets to live shows, glitter pins. It's incredible.
Julia: Yeah, I think if you like the way that we debate stuff and the way that we have like cute little arguments between us over whether or not you should run from ghosts, or you should stay and challenge the ghost I guess.
Amanda: The sexiest crypted, for example.
Julia: Yes. Ying, you will absolutely love header heart gut.
Amanda: Absolutely. And you can now join the multi-group for just $5. Just five bucks a month, you get a new weekly podcast from Multitude and all kinds of other benefits as you move up the tiers. So check all that out and more in multicrew.club and help support the future of Multitude with your dollars today.
Julia: And Hey, keep an eye out on our feed for something special that might be dropping tomorrow.
Amanda: Exactly. Giving you a little taste of what awaits you as a MultiCrew member.
Julia: So without further ado, please enjoy the sexy and spooky urban legends episode, number 30.
Amanda: Anybody have a cold open?
Eric: I have a hot open.
Julia: Oh.
Amanda: Oh no. I really set myself up for that one, didn't I?
Julia: You did. You kind of did.
Eric: Oh, it's the sexier but legends episode.
Amanda: Therefore very hot. Rome and its numerals told us we had to do it.
Eric: I don't, don't want it.
Julia: I'm so glad that I just sound the least sexy as possible because I'm getting over the flu, as we record this episode.
Eric: At one point I was like, "What if we all started it by talking and quiet sexy totes." Because I was like, "No, I don't want to do that with my friends. That sounds like a terrible idea."
Julia: Yeah, no bad. Don't do that.
Eric: Don't do that.
Amanda: Well, maybe I can kind of ease us in because I have an urban legend titled, "At night, a mistake from my childhood comes out to torment me." And is there anything sexier than being haunted by the ghost of your past?
Eric: Nothing is more sexy than the ghosts of your past.
Julia: That's true.
Eric: That's obvious in the story of Christmas Carol, right?
Julia: I think-
Amanda: The sexiest story.
Eric: He goes dancing in the past one, and it was a very sexy dance.
Julia: Isn't there also a movie called like Ghost of Girlfriend's Past or something like that?
Eric: That's definitely... Yep.
Amanda: Yep. Absolutely, right?
Eric: That's where Matthew McConaughey-
Julia: Oh Jesus.
Eric: I'm pretty sure.
Amanda: What is dating except out running or being caught by the ghosts of your past? Like, come on.
Julia: Honestly fair. Okay.
Amanda: All right, so this comes to us from Alexander. First, let me explain something to you about me. I have an overactive imagination, which I love, but it's always given me a bit of trouble. During my school days, I was often caught by teachers daydreaming instead of listening. But the biggest downside of it is that sometimes my imagination starts functioning beyond my control and runs away with itself. It can be hard to stop.
As I'm sure Amanda and Julia understand, having such a brain is not great if you have anxiety or if a terrifying thought takes hold of your mind. I try to avoid horror films because I know I won't be able to shift the image from my mind. As a kid, I was traumatized by like this short stop emotion film, The Sandman. Tip to any preschool teachers listening, this is not appropriate to show your pupils.
Julia: Oh no.
Amanda: And although I spent years terrified of something in the dark wanting to remove the eyes from my eye sockets, nothing bad ever happened to me.
Julia: Oh, okay.
Amanda: This is like a tailie Poe levels of inappropriate for kids.
Julia: Yeah. No, don't ever imply that children are going to lose their eyes. That's why I always hated the like got in your nose game as a kid.
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Julia: If you actually took my nose, that would be bad.
Amanda: Well, one time someone, we had like stairs in the basement that you could reach through, like there was no back to the stair. And so someone once jokingly grabbed my ankle and so until I moved out of that house at 19 I did not go down to basement in the dark.
Julia: Very incredible.
Amanda: I mentioned all this so you understand why when things get creepy, I acted like the disbelieving victim in a horror film, until it was too late.
Julia: Nope, bad.
Amanda: When I was 15 my family lived in the English countryside in a sort of tranquil fetch cottage that would look at a place on the TV set of a 16th century historical drama. There are plenty of ghost stories about cottages like this, the main one being that animals and sometimes people were buried in the walls of the houses to keep bad spirits away. In my opinion, a terrible idea.
Julia: That's a church groom style. We've talked about that before.
Amanda: If anyone bury me in their walls to be spirit repellent, I would be pretty angry about what they'd done and would immediately start inviting spirits over in an act of petty revenge.
Julia: I like the idea of ghost house party in order to spook the people that like buried you in the walls.
Amanda: Oh totally. Totally. I was returning one Sunday morning to my possibly spirit filled home from a sleepover in the neighboring village, and like all teenagers at a sleepover, hadn't slept a wink. Instead, we were playing video games and watching films, but unlike all teenagers, we also spent the night exploring the empty cow fields and forests near my friend's house. This involves scaling large trees in a spooky forest, trying not to wake angry farmers and finally climbing over a rusty fence to get into the above ground entrance of a decaying World War II bunker.
Julia: Like your normal hope child has.
Eric: There's so much happening in this one night.
Amanda: It is truly incredible and we're also like, we're an exposition of this legend guys. With nothing more than the green glow of early noughties phone screens to guide us through the bunker, we peered down dark corridors. We were too scared to investigate and try to decipher the allegeable graffiti and carvings on the walls left by other adventuring youths. We finally came upon a circular room smelling of smoke. Thinking back, it somehow felt as though there was a breeze circling inside the room, like some kind of windy whirlpool, although it came from no clear source and the night was peaceful and quiet.
Julia: This seems bad.
Amanda: I mean, the moment he said round room, I was just like, nope. round room's inherently hot. Don't like that at all.
Julia: Nope. Swirling smoke, also bad portal to hell.
Amanda: If there's not a corner I can put my back against, how do I know that I'm safe? All over the walls, but mostly scrolled around a locked copper green door on the far side, were hundreds of drawings of humanoid figures. I can't remember all the details. It'd be like memorizing all the books in a library, but I remember two in particular. The first was a stout masculine looking figure with a small bandaged hand, empty eye sockets, two curved horns and a wide smile bursting from its face with rows of sharp pointed teeth.
Julia: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Amanda: The second figure dominated the room and was sat a top of the locked door, it's spindly feet dangling down over it. The figure was tall, gangly, and drawn haphazardly with some charcoal from the abandoned fire in the center of the room. It had five long arms, which reached out around the entire room. So anyone who entered only did so by voluntarily stepping into its grasp. This is a big drawing.
Julia: No. A bad, bad.
Amanda: I hate that. I hate that a lot. We stayed in the room for maybe five minutes, walking around on our toes, listening for noises, looking for movements in the shadows and drawings until a distant move from an annoyed cow gave us the creeps and we ran.
Julia: Not anything else? A move from a cow?
Amanda: That was the-
Eric: A distant cow.
Amanda: Creepiest too far. The strange thing was, there were no cows in either that field or the next one over. My friend was certain it came from down a spooky corridor within the bunker.
Julia: What?
Eric: Okay. I have a genuine question.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: So I grew up on a golf course. My parents' house went onto a golf course. So I understand like having a free roam with friends on a birthday party or sleepover or something like capture the fly out there a lot. How big are these Farbs? A golf course is pretty big but I feel like it's not massive. Whereas, they're talking about multiple, multiple fields, they're trekking across this one night. This seems like a massive, massive undertaking for some kids to be partaking in. Right?
Amanda: I think it's multiple small farms next to each other. It's way more common in the UK to have like small holdings and just everybody has like a few pastures and you can walk through them.
Eric: That makes sense.
Julia: Yeah. It's not like giant acres of farm for each farm.
Eric: I am thinking probably like American farm down the interstate, which are huge. A farm is like a mile long.
Amanda: Yeah. It's like a generous backyard is what I'm thinking.
Eric: Got you.
Amanda: So fleeing through the woodland and fields, I was sure there were things in the shadows running with us. As we leaped over branches and fallen tree trunks, although I credited these to my overactive imagination. When I made it home the next morning, I dismissed myself from Sunday lunch early, locked my bedroom door with a pin so nobody would discover I was tired because of the sleepless night and drifted off.
I can't tell you anything about my dream except I was woken by distressed banging on my bedroom door. As it was an old house, the door was wooden, rickety and could be partially opened above and below the lock. Opening my eyes, I saw black bone like claws wrapping themselves around the pushed open frame of the door.
Eric: It's the cow.
Amanda: Well, Alexander writes, I would love to tell you I heard an erie moo, but all I heard was a muffled snarling, a continuous rhythmic clicking sound and the slow heavy breathing of a thing behind the door.
Julia: Hey, let me tell you, that's worse than a moo.
Amanda: Sure is Julia. My doors' metal lock shook and jangled under the things efforts until the sheer force of whatever was trying to get in and knocked the pin from the doors lock. In the doorway, staring straight at my bed, towered the blurry image of a tall, hulking figure roaring at me.
I think I passed out, but when I woke, the figurehead vanished, the pin locking the door was hanging loose and the door was wide open. Now I know what you're thinking. Distressed parents worried about their child who was locked in a room and not responding. They probably banged the door, right? And forced open the lock to check on me. But later that day's expecting someone to mention the incident over dinner, I learned I had been alone in the house for the whole afternoon.
Julia: Jesus.
Amanda: So what unlocked my door?
Julia: Jesus.
Amanda: I assumed.
Julia: It wasn't Jesus, right?
Amanda: I assumed, okay, I must have started sleepwalking. I could have unlocked the door in my sleep and mixed up reality with my memories and dreams, et cetera, to create some kind of exhausted, dreamy hallucination. If not, then maybe it was a daytime night terror. I was freaked out, but we're sure it had nothing to do with the library of monstrous in the bunker we found.
Julia: I hate this.
Amanda: As I grew older, I started experiencing other night terrors about once a year, nothing banged at my door, but I would dream of being locked in a dark chamber. One second, I would be in my school science lab building a race car with both green days, Billie Joe Armstrong, and French prime minister Nicolas Sarkozy, and the next I would be trapped in the dark in an underground silo screaming for help, both in the dream world and the real world.
There was never any lead up to this. No warning. My dream would suddenly just derail. My parents would hear me shouting for help in the early hours of the morning, usually around 2:30, open my bedroom door and check on me. And as soon as the hallway light illuminated my room and showed me my surroundings where of a teenage boy's bedroom and not a windowless prison, I would immediately calm down left by how ridiculous that dream was and probably go back to peaceful sleep.
I really never gave these events too much thought. I've been scared of The Sandman as a child where there was nothing to be scared of, this was likely just a side effect, right? An overactive imagination. It was always fine until many years later when it happened twice in two months. The experience occurred when I was on a family holiday and my younger sister had been awoken by her older brother shouting at a bandaged creature in the darkness to fuck off. I clearly had no time for spooky happenings that night. My sister was, of course, frightened until I assured her it was a bad dream.
Then the next month after I started dating my now girlfriend, I lived at the top of a terrorist house in London, which I was renting with old university friends. As I was up on the roof, the walls of the bedroom slanted downwards, creating lots of dark corners and shadows.
Julia: The best.
Amanda: Along the low nook of one wall was a row of cupboard doors which led to the houses hidden attic. The doors were badly fitted and rarely shut properly, so on windy nights they'd fly up and unexpectedly.
Julia: Why is your attic hidden? Why?
Amanda: We would often joke to visitors, "That's where we keep the monsters."
Julia: Bad, bad joke.
Amanda: The first night my girlfriend spent at my house, she was awoken when I pulled all the bedsheets away from her. When she asked what was going on, I sleepily responded, "You and the one in the corner of my room are plotting to kill me." Then I turned over and went back to sleep.
Julia: I would break up with you.
Eric: I have done that but I've never said that. Like I am-
Amanda: Sure we've all stolen the blankets.
Eric: Me and Kelsey each have our own queen size blanket.
Amanda: Oh, us too. That's the only way to do it.
Eric: It's the way. You had a King size bed, you have two queen size comforters or duvets, if you're a Godamn adult and that's how you make it work.
Amanda: Now, we later laughed about the story, but it put the notion in my head that there was something else going on. That the silly dreams that woke me up weren't totally in my head. The dreams were evolving and something was following me from place to place, room to room. It wasn't a haunted house style problem that could be solved by moving house, and then my night terrors, I was no longer just dreaming of being trapped. It was becoming more like the first time after I visited the bunker, something was with me wherever I was, when the lights went out.
From then on, if I pulled the curtain closed at night, I'd be afraid to open it until sunrise in case there was a watching face behind it. I'd watch the doors. I went to sleep and made sure I slept with my back to the wall so nothing could come up behind me. Whenever I walked up a flight of stairs or left a dark room, I feel a strong gaze following me. It was at this point I figured I'm going to start using a nightlight in my room. If light was the one thing that woke me up from my dreams a nightlight should help, and sure enough the terror stopped.
When my girlfriend and I moved in together, I just continued using it, just to be sure. All was fine until one night I forgot to plug it in. First the dream I had was immediately different. Instead of a sudden shift to being trapped in a dark room, my whole mind felt like the darkness had infected it. Everything in the dream world was murky and dark. I found myself alone cycling along an unending stone path between the tall trees of a dark wood, not unlike the one I had run through after foolishly exploring that World War II bunker.
A full moon hanging over me was my only light, and as I went further and further into the woods, the canopy above me grew and grew until only brief specs of moonlight illuminated the weaving path. There were also noises that I tried to hear and reassure myself were just simply the rustling of leaves, but I was scared and worried. I felt no wind and I knew that if the noise is subsided, they would reveal another faint, unnatural sound lurking behind them. When the canopy covered the moon entirely, the hidden sound became louder, culminating in a loud, rhythmic clicking noise. And then I woke up in my own room.
It was winter and light from outside, only vaguely lit it up. In the corner, perched calmly on the makeup table was a dark flickering shape. It seemed to be shaped like a large hunched over person. I couldn't make up any clear features, but I could feel its attention was solely on me. I wondered if it had woken me or if it had simply been lying in wait. From the darkness, it emanated that slow rhythmic clicking noise that I remembered from when I was 15. I started shouting and trying to get up, but I couldn't move anything except my mouth. I was frozen. My girlfriend hearing my shouting wrapped an arm over me and whispered into my ear that everything was okay. "You're safe. It's just a dream."
Then she raised her head from the pillow startled and uttered the worst words to hear in that situation. "Wait, can you hear that clicking?" As if in response, the shadow in the corner rose from its seat, stopped by to gets time, and started shuffling toward me. It unfurled it's hunched form and stood up so tall, it's body stretched the length of the wall. It's many long arms dangled down to the floor and around the room disappearing into the shadows and out of sight. It deliberately slowly shambled toward me lowering its form to the ground until it reached the foot of the bed.
For a second, I wondered like my disoriented girlfriend, what was going on? Then I saw a very long arm with very real looking claws reach up to the sky from the foot of the bed. Spread its long, bony fingers, and then dig them into the mattress. It found purchase and then nightmare made reality began pulling itself up onto the bed toward me. I could feel the weight on the mattress, the claws and the sheets, the creature levering itself up the foot of my bed, the sheets being pulled away. The sound grew louder. The time between clicks getting smaller and smaller, the hand quickly lifted itself and jumped forward and I felt it grabbed my thigh. Then my girlfriend turned on her bedside lamp and the creature was gone.
Julia: Remember how Amanda was like, "Hey, we're just going to like ease into this episode, this fun, sexy episode with an easy story."
Eric: I do remember that Julia, it seems like it was only a mere 16 minutes ago and yet it feels like days.
Julia: Forever. Many terrifying days later.
Eric: No, no, it's perfect. It's perfect.
Amanda: Well, we can call this the spooky sexy edition.
Eric: I know what this is. This is a classic. This is a nightmare and if you've watched, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you just need to get a day man, and he will defeat him because he's a master of karate. It's simple.
Julia: Obviously.
Eric: It's a simple solution.
Julia: I think the solution to this is, get a girlfriend who turn the light on.
Amanda: Yeah, that is extremely smart of her.
Julia: My girlfriend is my day man.
Amanda: Alexander did try to kind of put an end to this. So he said in a little postscript that last month he went back to his village and visited the bunker. Alexander, I would not have counseled you to do this.
Julia: Oh, this is bad. What? What?
Eric: You got to listen to us, people. You got to start listening to us.
Julia: You just don't return to dairy when it starts murdering people again.
Amanda: Okay, so this is what happened. Everything was very similar. There was new graffiti over the old, a clearer, more well worn path through the forest and calves in the field on. The winds were gone, so was the locked copper green door. It now lay in a new place on the floor, snapped off its hinges, but part of the bolt and remained in the frame where it used to be. Unsure what to do, ignoring my jumpy friend, I took a seat in front of the extinguished fire, which hadn't moved by the way, and pulled from the ashes a piece of charcoal.
Making my tribute to the thing in the darkness and adding to the library of monstrosities, I drew on the floor. A small image of the hand I had seen rising from my bed. I had no idea why I did it, but it felt like the right thing to do. My unaware friend laughed nervously at my drawing and whilst I drew peered through the open hole where the door had once been. He shone his phone light into it and then tried to remain calm as he suggested we leave now.
I have no idea what was beyond the doorway, probably just more drawings. But as I write this, I realized I have to ask how he's been sleeping. I'm happy to say though, my nightmare hasn't been back.
Julia: Hey, guess what you passed it on, like it follows-
Amanda: It followed Alexander.
Julia: Ah, God dammit.
Amanda: Well guys, I thought that was just going to be kind of a fun romp. So here we are and someone telling me a sexy story, please.
Julia: Let me tell you about it.
Eric: So the sexy part of that is that a 1.2 people were sleeping in a bed together.
Julia: You got a girlfriend and you slept in the same bed-
Eric: You got look for it. But the sexy part wasn't there.
Amanda: Okay. We're going to call it the spooky sexy edition.
Eric: You got to call it the very spooky and that very sexy part.
Julia: How about we listen to a story about a ghost that has a crush on someone's brother?
Amanda: Hell yeah.
Eric: I love it.
Julia: So this story comes from Evelyn and the title of the email was XXX, a ghost has a crush on my brother. So she starts the email with some background. My family is Italian witchcraft practitioners and we are all energy sensitive and my brother is extremely sensitive to ghosts. We moved to Plymouth, Massachusetts when we were little and the town itself is pretty haunted.
A local library that we passed walking to school used to be a house where a girl died in the 1930s. She was hit by a car when she ran into the street to catch her red ball, and now humped it. Red ball is always like the thing that kills someone. It's like red balloon, red ball, always ghost related. I don't know.
Amanda: Yeah, red means bad omen.
Julia: Everyone knows Agatha. She knocks books off shelves and move stuff around when she's bored. Even nonbelievers admit something is strange there and many people who aren't ghost sensitive have seen her. When walking to school, my mom and I sensed something, but my brothers straight up had conversations with her. Walking home he would start talking about his day and answering questions we weren't asking. He told us Agatha wanted to know when we asked him about it. He was six years old, about the same age she was when she died.
Amanda: Oh no.
Julia: After about a year, my brother started saying that Agatha want to play with him and he said she had a red ball with her. When we mentioned it to the librarians, they chuckled saying, "She only plays with people she likes." And joked that she might have a crush on him. We moved away a few years later and mostly forgot about this. But my brother recently got married and he and his wife went to Cape Cod for their honeymoon.
Since they had to drive through Plymouth to get there, my brother showed her the old house where we lived and the library where we hung out a lot. According to my brother, he saw Agatha in the window at the library and he waved at her and introduced his wife, who doesn't really believe in these things. He says he heard a voice saying "You grew up handsome." And his wife heard it too, before she disappeared.
Amanda: What?
Julia: Not a crazy sexy story, but kind of cute. Love the podcast and can't wait for more of the XXX stories.
Amanda: This is good. Julia. This is a real good middle ground between extremely spooky and extremely sexy.
Julia: Yes.
Amanda: And we will get to extremely sexy later on the episode where-
Julia: Oh, don't worry.
Amanda: ... lighting it into it. We plan something.
Eric: I've got one more sexy little urban legend before we get to our Magnus Opus.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: Magnus Opus is that right? That's not right.
Julia: Magnum Opus.
Eric: Magnum Opus. This is titled Hell Club. Glaswegian Urban Legend from Chloe and they write, I have a little story about Classico Scotland, that is kind of creepy, kind of cool and kind of sexy. So back in the 1700s there was a man called Archibald Boyle who loved sex, people and drink.
Julia: Well obviously he has the most sexy name.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: So, of course, he created a group filled with like minded girls and guys called the Hell Club. What?
Amanda: Love it.
Eric: First off, if that's what you like, usually your next leg isn't like, "Let's form a club." But, I guess it's the 1700s things were different back then. Maybe people are doing this and I just don't know about it.
Julia: It's better than, "Let's start a cult."
Eric: I mean, well, I think as we read this, we might just be mad. They would regularly have orgies together. This would apparently take place in the Tron Gate area of Glasgow. Eventually the club and Archie became famous around the nation. So despite the religious taboos, the club now attracted a large number of people and notoriety, even becoming known to the newspapers at that time. Archie was known to shout, "I wish to fucking hell," as he finished, I'm changing a few words. Cuz I’m not comfortable reading all the words that are going to be in this email.
Julia: I should have read that one.
Eric: Sorry for making you read that. I did it. Don't worry. But that's integral for the story. I read the important part, which was the quote. All the words as written though.
Amanda: It's still bad. Now I abruptly realize why you didn't want to do this Eric.
Eric: Yeah. It's not as fun as we thought it would be. So this was going real good for Archie, and involved until I mean, it's the 1700s I'm sure it's actually going quite poorly for everybody's that the regions. Until after one orgy he got out of this horse after heavy drinking to go home.
Amanda: Don't ride and drink.
Eric: He didn't get far before falling off and hitting his head.
Amanda: Don't drink and ride.
Eric: He wakes up and sees a dark hooded figure that said, "I heard your wish as Jane and can granted for you. All you have to do is follow me."
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Being curious, Archie followed. Man, there was like some weird mysticism that happened in the late 1800s early 1900s but like this is like some next level, like 1700s level of mysticism.
Julia: Just chef kiss all over. Let's go.
Eric: When the man stopped, Archie saw a giant drunken orgy. Of course, he did. But before he could join, he saw an old friend and-
Julia: Sorry, I was just like, my reaction to seeing the giant orgy wouldn't be like, let me get it there yoh. Listen you're fucking like Archie was,
Eric: But before he could join, he saw an old friend that had died. Oh, oh. That's no good.
Julia: Nope. Usually not what you want to see when you join an orgy.
Eric: Overcome with sudden emotion, he went over to talk to her. He tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to stop. He said, "Why don't you rest for awhile and talk?" She turned around and said, "Rest, rest. There's no rest in hell." That's when you saw her midriff covered in serpents. In shock of what he saw, he took in the scene again, but with fresh eyes and in real time he saw it for what it really was. There were old and young people involved. He was absolutely shocked and wanted out. He asked his guide to lead him back and the hooded figure agreed, but warned that if Archie kept going to these orgies, he would end up here in a year, in a day.
So Archie realize what this means and is taken back home. But Archie being skeptical that he experienced the thing that he thought was just a bad dream after hitting his head and his horse. So he reassured himself that he would be fine, and went to the orgy that he had arranged for the next night. He died a year later.
Julia: I loved it. This is like a Christmas Carol, but only, the ghost of Christmas teacher, and with orgies.
Eric: So Julia sent me this one. So I when I made a reference earlier to the ghost of Christmas past being the sexy ghost because there's some dance like in the Disney Christmas version of that but I could recall, I did not know that I would later be reading pretty much like the ghost of Christmas past but for orgies.
Julia: You set yourself up for this one.
Amanda: Incredible. So good.
Eric: All right, well, I need to rehydrate as I'm sure Archibald did many times throughout his many nights. So let's go get a refill.
Amanda: We are sponsored this week by a new sponsor that I am so, so stoked about because I had been using them happily for months. It's Better Help. So this is the world's largest counseling service and they invited us to talk to you about the importance of mental health today. And we already know it, Julia and I talk about how much therapy helps us, how happy we are to be able to treat this as like the serious part of your life that requires attention and deserves your support and love just like everything else in your life.
So with Better Help, it's an app where you can start communicating with board certified therapists in under 24 hours. It's not a crisis line and it's not self-help, it's like professional counseling just done securely online. And I've been meeting with my Better Help therapist for three months now and it is so helpful. Traveling as much as I do, and living in a neighborhood where there aren't a lot of psychologists or therapists or counselors around, it is game changing for me to be able to schedule therapy on my own time.
Julia: Yeah, I know that one of the hardest things for me when I worked in nine to five job was finding a therapist who is open and available when I wasn't at work. So the fact that-
Amanda: You mean you don't want to spend your lunch break, like going really deep into stuff that's impacting you.
Julia: And then coming back crying after lunch-
Amanda: Yeah, no.
Julia: But luckily you're not limited to that nine to five. That traditional therapy tends to be limited to you, and you can log onto your account anytime to send a message to your counselor.
Amanda: There are weekly video or phone sessions you can take or you can just correspond back and forth like I do with my therapist, just in like those timely kind of thoughtful responses that they send to you. You can get therapy from the comfort of your own living room or bedroom, which is just absolutely wonderful.
And Better Help is more affordable than traditional online counseling. Financial aid is also available and they are offering Spirits listeners 10% off your first month of Better Help at betterhelp.com/spirits.
Julia: Yep. That is Better Help. B-E-T-T-E-R H-E-L-P.com/spirits.
Amanda: Thank you so much.
Julia: And we are sponsored of course by one of our favorite, Skillshare. So 2020 is the year that you can explore new skills, you can deepen your existing passions and you can get lost in your creativity with Skillshare's online classes. All you have to do is sign up today. It is an online learning community that offers membership with a meaning. So Skillshare empowers you to accomplish real growth by learning new things through online classes, designed for real life so you can move that creative journey forward without putting your life on hold.
Amanda: So I personally have been really, really enjoy the digital poster design with a lot of the new touring and stuff that we're doing. I really want to like kind of get a better feel of how to promote things better both online and in person. And I really, really love this class. It's digital poster design, combining images and type with powerful visuals and stop by Temi Coker.
It's honestly I've having a great, great time with it. And you can have a great time with it too, by signing up for Skillshare. You could explore your creativity at skillshare.com/spirits2 and get two free months of premium membership.
Julia: That is two free months of Skillshare premium at skillshare.com/spirits2. Thanks Skillshare.
Amanda: Now Julia, we are recording the intro to this week's episode on our lunch break as we do a week long super secret, incredibly exciting project here in our studio.
Julia: I'm very excited.
Amanda: And I don't know about you, but when I get home after dark, when we are done with these long days, the last thing I want to do is cook dinner.
Julia: Yeah, no. I hate cooking after working. I genuinely do.
Amanda: Love cooking on the weekends, less easy to cook during the work day, especially after a long commute. So I am really glad that I was able to use Door Dash to order from my favorite local Chinese restaurant last night that does onion and garlic free Chinese food. Julia, this is a game changer for me.
Julia: It really is.
Amanda: You could just put those sweat pants on, take your bra off and then order Door Dash. It's honestly my favorite part of my week and Door Dash of course can connect you to your favorite restaurants in your city as well as national chains that you have over 3,300 cities represented with over 340,000 restaurants in total across the US and Canada.
Julia: Yeah. All you have to do is open up your Door Dash app. You choose what you want to eat and then the food is delivered to you wherever you are.
Amanda: Yeah. And right now you can get $5 off your first order of $15 or more when you download the Door Dash app and enter promo code Spirits.
Julia: Yep. All 50 States and in Canada you can order from your local classics or your favorite chains. Download the Door Dash app from the app store. Get $5 off your first order when you use that promo code, Spirits. One more time, promo code Spirits for five bucks off your first order of $15 or more from Door Dash.
Amanda: Julia, that was such a refreshing and much needed drink. Can you tell us what we are having?
Julia: It's actually called the extra sexy beer. It is from endless pint brewing and it is a strong bitter. So the description for it is hilarious. So it this, many we claim that the ESBs are boring and not "sexy". We would disagree. This sexy beer has a very bready malt profile with a hint of caramel and toffee. Some earthy and fruity hops are present and extremely complimentary to the malt. This is a beer that will keep you coming back for more.
Amanda: No, it's tasty, I can't lie.
Julia: It's not bad, it's not bad. It's a good like winter beer if you like.
Amanda: You want to drink it while you do some Netflix and chill?
Julia: Oh yeah.
Eric: So during the refill, I went into Lipson, the podcast provider reuse and I clicked on advanced settings and I found a double explicit tag for this episode. So now iTunes and all your pod catchers will know that this episode is about to get extremely gross.
Julia: It is going to get extremely sexy,
Eric: So we talked a lot about whether or not to do this story with edit. It'll be cut clear why. I'll just read the title just to kick us off. We're all going to popcorn share this story together because I don't think Eddie on-
Amanda: No, that sounds like a sex thing. I don't want to use that word.
Julia: Oh, no.
Eric: Because I don't think any of us could do it on our own. Here's the title of it.
Julia: Yeah, strech it out, strech it out.
Amanda: All right, warm it up.
Eric: They're coming to fuck you. Barbara. Being an account of my log, a dear fatal quest to fuck Mothman.
Amanda: Yep, that's it.
Julia: I'm very proud of Callum who sent it this email. Just the bravery.
Amanda: Yeah, he sent it in October and I have attempted to read it several times since then, but just wasn't brave enough. So together I think we can face this one.
Julia: Yeah. I think that we-
Eric: I saw phrases in here that I was like, maybe this whole podcast was a mistake. Maybe the whole concept was a mistake, if this is what it's led to. But we're going to do it. I'll start because I see as little horniness in the first paragraph as possible.
Amanda: We'll just switch off.
Eric: And we'll just switch off whatever becomes too much for someone. A lot of phrases in here. A lot of phrases in here that we don't want made into artwork. We don't want-
Amanda: No, we do.
Eric: That script font.
Amanda: I want it.
Eric: But like a funny picture behind it. We don't it. We don't do any of this. As soon as you listen to it, delete the episode.
Amanda: Delete your podcast app.
Eric: I'm subscribed to the podcast and delete your podcast app, and throw your phone at the river. Just get it out of your mind as quickly as possible probably. Here we go. Hello all. My name is Calum. My friends and I have been a big fan of the show for a while. I've sent stuff in before, but just recently we went on a trip together that I think is urban legends worthy. I've been a big fan of Cryptids and the Paranormal for as long as I can remember, but my favorite has always been Mothman.
Amanda: That's one way of putting it, Callum.
Eric: I also want to say we're going to react in a lot of ways during this, we are not Yucca Getty wants yo, but also some jobs are just, they're just a lot. They're just a lot to take it.
Amanda: Yeah. Listen, this email is hilarious. Callum, you are a great writer. We are going to laugh a lot at the things you have to say because it is extremely entertaining and lovely, so thank you for sharing with us and we hope that you get whatever adventures you want on this world.
Eric: For those of you with Mothman, first off, you need to seriously, we consider your life and your choices. He is a cryptid native to Point Pleasant West Virginia who was first seen in 1966.
Amanda: The November of that year, two teenage couples were out canoodling by an old abandoned TNT factory. When they saw a tall winged creature with thick dark fur and two glowing red eyes.
Eric: Wait real quick, real quick. Something about getting blown up.
Amanda: Oh Jesus. Eric, you are leading a harder into this that Julia and I are. The creature came at them, don't say anything, and then they drove away. But no matter how fast they drove up to a hundred miles per hour, they claimed it was still able to fly right behind them, eventually the creatures, kind of fucked off, and the teens reported the incident to the police. Local papers named the creature the Mothman, probably because Batman was already taken. And for the next year, Mothman was seen all over the area. He was also reported to give people strange prophetic dreams, specifically dreams where they saw shiny colorful boxes floating in the nearby Ohio river.
Then during December, 1967 the bridge that connected Point Pleasant to Ohio collapsed killing 46 people. The frequent sightings ended around then, but since the tragedy had occurred so close to Christmas, many of the people who'd been on the bridge were coming back for Christmas shopping, and tragically right after the collapse, a bunch of brightly wrapped Christmas presents could be seen floating through the water. This has led many people to believe that Mothman was attempting to warn the people of Point Pleasant about the upcoming collapse. And he was not some sort of ooky spooky demon monster, but in fact an all around show guy.
Julia: All right, let's get into it. So the beginning of my obsession with cryptids, for better or worse, happened to coincide with my sexual awakening. How could I resist the thought of this life, muscular Harry and Viro creature who could sweep me up in his big strong crypted arms and carry me off into the sky. So yeah, ever since I was a little boy, I've wanted to get the fuck banged out of me by Mothman. And every-
Amanda: Callum I see it. I see it, babe. I see it.
Julia: And every year Point Pleasant has a Mothman festival where people come from all over to gush about Mothman and other favorite cryptids. So I've always wanted to go and this year I was finally able to gather a group of friends to go with me. The whole week before the trip I was insatiably horny for Mothman.
Eric: That's the one that got me.
Julia: I'm in a creative writing class right now and when we got our first assignment, I fully just turned in game of Mothman erotica because I couldn't keep my mind on anything else, quote from my workshop. This feels really personal. So the day eventually came and I was hornier than an unhappily married mom at a student teacher conference. Oof. My friends and I go to school in Massachusetts. So it was an 11 hour drive to West Virginia. And on the way we listened to spirits and probably the entire catalog repertoire of Sui and the band cheese.
Eric: You know what I didn't realize until we really started in earnest. And really until this moment. This is extremely very recent, this happened like within the last three months. This story. The very recent horny episode.
Amanda: Yeah. This is not like an anecdote from the 70s counts like living and living his truth today.
Julia: This is making me want to go to the Mothman festival anyway, so.
Amanda: Yeah. Me too. Don't you think that one would be able to find a person to live out their fantasies with them there? It sounds great.
Julia: Let's go this year Amanda. My friend's car, which has been nicknamed puff the tragic wagon was very old and we were low key worried. We'd break down in the mountains of West Virginia and find ourselves in a Texas chainsaw massacre situation again. Again, but thankfully that never happened.
Eric: So we get to Point Pleasant and it is wonderful. There's Mothman memorabilia, a Mothman museum, a full size Mothman statue, which I of course, took pictures where I paired them on various sex acts and experts giving talks on...
Julia: You want me to do a little voiceover?
Eric: No, I'm going to say it.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Experts. David talks, on Mothdaddy physiological things. We also took a hayride tour of the T and T factory where it all went down back in the day. The Mothman never swooped down from the sky to pick me up for amoeba. Nope. I'll finish it. I'll bow this one though.
Julia: Though Mothman never swooped down from the sky to pick me up, fling me behind a tree, tear my clothes off and make my asshole speak Portuguese the way I hoped he would. I still had an incredible time and couldn't have hoped for anything more out of the experience.
Eric: Why Portuguese?
Amanda: And very sibilant, I don't know. So we drive back for 11 hours and just as we're about to pull into campus and are congratulating ourselves on how smoothly the trip went. Someone mistakes, a green turn arrow for a green light forward and slams her car into puff the tragic wagon. No one was seriously hurt and we all got home safely, but sadly puff is no more.
Julia: Oh no.
Amanda: But Hey, now we can earnestly say that we tried to fuck Mothman and nearly died in the process. So I guess we get some bragging rights out of it. And it goes to show how awesome Mothman is. Like getting hit by a car and almost killed did not ruin our weekend by a long shot. Thanks, Callum.
Julia: Callum also writes at the end, in loving memory of puff, the tragic wagon, she served us well. May she rest in peace with Christine and the haunting car that killed James Dean.
Eric: What's the sexiest scripted?
Julia: Okay. I mean I feel like big foot probably falls into that category like tall, muscular, a little hairy if you're into that.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: I think this sort of like being able to be swooped off your feet. I see that as a pro. So, yeah, my mind also went to this sort of like Bigfoot Yeti zone.
Eric: I think it's because big foot's one of the most humanoid ones.
Amanda: True.
Eric: So it's just like a safe choice.
Amanda: Yeah. And people are probably into Slenderman. I'm not. Too scary.
Julia: It's not my vibe personally.
Eric: Like it's not, slender man's interesting because like where do you go? Like, if you don't look right at him, he could be anywhere now. Got to keep a... Guy keep your head on a swivel during slenderman sex.
Julia: I mean, I think there's something to be said for a ghost. I see it. It's play by that actor in that movie.
Amanda: Continue. Tell me more about that. Was it Maria Osmund's brother?
Julia: No.
Amanda: Was it Tom cruise?
Eric: What'd go? Whoa.
Amanda: The movie ghost?
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: You're suggesting a Patrick Swayze?
Amanda: Yes. There it is. You know, all things considered, I think Callum showed a great deal of restraint in that email. He did not even attach his mothmen erotica, which no offense Callum, but that was a good decision.
Julia: Speak for yourself.
Eric: So that's the sexy episode.
Julia: We did it.
Eric: We started spookier than I think we planned and we ended much sexier than I think we planned as well. So we really-
Julia: I guess that means we averaged very well.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: We averaged it out to just truly-
Amanda: A sexy episode.
Eric: A sexxy episode.
Julia: I think we're all just left speechless after this. It's very funny.
Amanda: You know, I think much like endoring a somewhat scary but not serious accident with your friends. This was something where we committed to an idea, by which I mean Julia and I did. Eric over committed to an idea, which I appreciate, and now we're all on the other side unscathed and stronger for it.
Julia: I'm proud of us. I really am.
Amanda: I'm proud of us too. I'm proud of our listeners. And listen, whatever your yum is, go chase a bliss.
Julia: And stay creepy. Stay cool.