Episode 16: Bird Ladies of Russia
/Who knew Russian mythology includes so many half-bird, half-woman creatures?! They run the gamut from prophets to sirens to companions for very emo hunters. Plus: inexplicable boobs galore!
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Our music is: "Danger Storm" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Transcript
JS: Welcome to Spirits Podcast. My name is Julia.
AM: My name is Amanda.
JS: Each week we come at you bringing new mythology from all across the world.
AM: There's myths. There's legends. There's urban legends. There's folklore. There's weird tales that your granny told you when you were nervous at night.
JS: And the best part is there's booze.
AM: Booze makes everything better.
JS: Everything.
AM: Everything better. Julia is a qualified a degree-holding history and religious studies expert.
JS: Nerd.
AM: I am someone who really likes Harry Potter and dad jokes. Together, we have a great podcast.
JS: Yes. So, welcome, if this is the first time you are joining us. We're happy to have you.
AM: Awesome new listeners.
JS: I know.
AM: We're very happy to have you. Welcome to club.
JS: I'm so stoked. Thank you so much. Thank you Spiriters. We need a name for our people. Spiriters.
AM: Spirits.
JS: Spirits. Oh, no.
AM: No.
JS: All right. We won't sound like ghost.
AM: We'll get – we'll get back to you. But, for now, we would like to shout out some folks who have been really sweet to us on Twitter over the last two weeks. Firstly, the Greater Boston Podcast who just finished their first season. It's totally amazing. Please go listen and support their Patreon. Also, Alexander Danner for recommending us to his Twitter followers.
JS: Thank you to Abby Ecker, Jim McDoniel of the Our Fair City Podcast. Thanks again Jim, always a pleasure talking to you on Twitter.
AM: You're so great. The Definitely Human Podcast, Radio Drama Revival, and to Lauren Garcia, who boldly listen to Spirits with her mom. Girl, that's a – that's a power move.
JS: While drunk in the car.
AM: So good.
JS: Yeah. Love it.
AM: Love it. Than making your DD listen to other drunk people. Amazing.
JS: Ryan Wade, friend of the show, Paul Turner, Brad Bean, Jeffrey Gardner. Thank you again, Jeffrey.
AM: To Shannon Sawyer and to Lauren Shippen of The Bright Sessions Podcast, who just surpassed their 1 millionth download. So cool.
JS: Congratulations, guys.
AM: Congratulations, Lauren. We love her so much. Also, tune in, in two weeks time, you may be hearing more from Lauren.
JS: Hint. Hint. Hint. Hint.
AM: Hint. Hint. And finally to #MythchatMonday. Julia, you started this I think on Twitter.
JS: Well, the guys from Legends, Myths, and Whiskey kind of got it started. I'm trying to make it more of a thing.
AM: Love it.
JS: I would love to hear from you guys. We talked last Monday I believe about the origins of death myths --
AM: So cool.
JS: -- which is super, super cool.
AM: If you can talk about mythology, why would you talk about anything other than death myths? They're so good.
JS: I mean it's just – it's fascinating. It's super awesome. Like, Amanda, did you know --
AM: What?
JS: -- that, you know, the quintessential tortoise and the hare myth?
AM: Of course. Yeah. Slow and steady wins the race.
JS: Except, in the original story, you wanted the hare to win because he's the one that told the gods that humans should be immortal instead of the tortoise, who said we should be mortal.
AM: God damn it. Point being, we love to hear from you guys on Twitter. We are also on Facebook. We are posting more frequently these days. If you haven't liked us, please do. On iTunes, we have new reviews in from the UK and Australia since the last episode --
JS: Thank you.
AM: -- which we love. So, please, let's see how many countries we can get on the map. So, if you're a non-US listener, especially we'd love to hear from you.
JS: If you feel like giving to Spirits if you want to hear more of Spirits if you want to be our exclusive--
AM: Our tip jar, if you will.
JS: Yes. If you want to see exclusive content for each episode, you should head over to our Patreon page, patreon.com/spiritspodcast.
AM: We got so many extras in store for you and really every single dollar helps us so much in paying for our hosting, our mics, our editing, and, hopefully, soon our booze.
JS: We want to make it rain on Eric, guys.
AM: Make it rain.
JS: We love it.
AM: Without further ado, enjoy Spirits Podcast Episode 16: Bird Ladies of Russia.
JS: Sweet 16!
AM: That joke ends here.
Intro Music
JS: So, Russia has a really weird obsession with birds.
AM: Really?
JS: Yeah. If their mythology is anything to kind of talk about and base it off of.
AM: I mean I guess a giant ass country that covers all topographies will have lots of birds.
JS: A lot of forest. A lot of forest. A lot of birds. I guess.
AM: Right. At all times. All elevation.
JS: The interesting part about Slavic mythology, which we've never really talked about before, is that there's not a lot of first-hand accounts of it.
AM: Right.
JS: It's a lot of understanding that, "Oh, these gods existed, and then they were worshiped, but no one is writing first-hand accounts of it."
AM: For few really like individual profits and things like that.
JS: So, it's actually really interesting because a lot of folklore that we get from Russia is more focused on later like path – not, not anything prehistoric, not anything BCE. Kind of more towards the 12th century and beyond.
AM: Okay. I don't know enough about Russian history or Slavic history to comment.
JS: Basically, all you need to know is that – the fact that Roman and Greek mythology spread up there at some point.
AM: Yeah.
JS: And then also Christianity did.
AM: That, that Hellenic exchange.
JS: Yep. Gotta love that Hellenic exchange, girl.
AM: Hey. Alexander the Great, bisexual man in history.
JS: Super hot.
AM: Represent.
JS: Awesome.
AM: What was his friend's name? Hephaes – Hephaestion?
JS: I don't remember.
AM: That was correct
JS: That sounds good.
AM: It is mispronounced.
JS: All I remember is he --
AM: Alexander had a full life.
JS: He just died in a river because he's – well, he didn't die in a river. He swam in a river, got pneumonia, and then died. Like --
AM: Did he really?
JS: Like a dude who almost conquered an entire continent --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- died from pneumonia from swimming in a river when he was drunk. Does that bother you?
AM: It's a metaphor of some kind.
JS: That bothers me.
AM: No. Mostly, I'm thinking about all the – all the hot, sexy times that him and Hephaestion must have had in his war tent.
JS: Damn hot bisexuals.
AM: You know, I'm just – I'm just blushing. It's fine.
JS: It's like – it's like Achilles all over again. Real hot.
AM: We don't know enough of Achilles yet.
JS: Oh, we're gonna talk – that's a good one. Why haven't we done one yet? Fuck.
AM: Stay tuned, listeners.
JS: All right. Okay. Focusing on Russia though.
AM: Okay.
JS: Russia has this really interesting focus on birds.
AM: Yes.
JS: And we're gonna talk a little bit about that. We're gonna particularly talk about Bird Ladies this episode.
AM: Sounds so good.
JS: Bird ladies!
AM: I have this like fierce/obsession with becoming like a New York City bag lady, which I see all the time on the subway with like these plaid IKEA bags just filled with things and like granny carts. And, you know, part of me is like that wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility.
JS: Yeah. I mean it could happen if you stay here too long. I think that's just --
AM: I'm afraid.
JS: You evolve into that like a Pokemon. So, there's actually a trio of bird ladies.
AM: Awesome.
JS: Their names are Alkonost, Gamayun, And Sirin.
AM: Cool.
JS: They all have kind of interesting preface.
AM: No. Wait. Their – the names are A, G, and S, which is also like SAG like an old lady's face.
JS: Actually, they're all really pretty lady faces.
AM: Oh, really?
JS: Yes.
AM: They're not old?
JS: No. Not old.
AM: Oh, I thought you just said bird ladies.
JS: Bird ladies.
AM: Sorry. It's ageist of me.
JS: No. They're all birds that have lady faces and lady boobs.
AM: That's the most terrifying possible combination of birds and humans. What?
JS: Yeah. I'll give you a minute.
AM: I'm trying to picture it, and I – I'm failing.
JS: Oh, hold on. I'll pull up a picture.
AM: No, I don't want to see it.
JS: Yes, you do.
AM: I don't want my nightmares.
JS: Yes, you do.
AM: No, no I don't. No, I don't.
JS: She's actually very pretty.
AM: No, I don't.
JS: She's very pretty. Looking at her. Pretty.
AM: Why does she have boobs?
JS: Just pretty.
AM: I don't know.
JS: Because it's men telling these stories.
AM: All right.
JS: And they like breast.
AM: What are they all about?
JS: So, these birds are all about prophecy. They are kind of inspired by some Greek mythology. And we'll talk about it a little bit once I talk about the specifics. But we'll start with Alkonost.
AM: Cool.
JS: As I like to say, pronunciation is not my specialty. Don't call me out on that shit.
AM: Spirits, come for the booze. Ignore the pronunciation.
JS: So, Alkonost has the body of a bird, head of a beautiful woman.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Also boobs.
AM: Whatever.
JS: Because men are telling these stories.
AM: Fine.
JS: And they're terrible. She said to sing a song or make sounds that are so amazingly beautiful. That anyone who hears them forgets everything they know and wants nothing but to hear that song forever.
AM: Cool. Classic Siren I think.
JS: Right.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Yes. Which, actually, we'll talk about in a little bit. These guys are kind of inspired by. They're kind of inspired by a mix of the Greek Sirens and also the Harpies --
AM: Awesome.
JS: -- which are terrifying. And we'll do an episode on them at some point.
AM: I've watched enough Lost Girls to know that they are hot and terrifying.
JS: Yes. They are hot and terrifying and usually just cray-cray. So, the Alkonost is said to lay eggs because she's a bird.
AM: Okay.
JS: On the beach, she will then --
AM: Like a turtle.
JS: Yeah. Kind of like a turtle.
AM: -- whom I respect.
JS: She will then roll them into the sea.
AM: Yeah.
JS: They will incubate in the sea.
AM: Yeah.
JS: And, when they hatch, they actually create these giant thunderstorms, and the seas become so rough that like no one can safely pass through them.
AM: That's awesome.
JS: Yeah. So, kind of mixing it up with this idea that they're harbingers of doom, but also can tell the future.
AM: I like that too. And it's a bit of a – you know, a great flood cleansing-type thing.
JS: Right.
AM: Like it's a birth or something new coming into the world. The sea is choppy and who knows what will come out of the end of it. I like it.
JS: She's actually associated with a Greek demigoddess known as Alcyone. Alcyone was actually turned into a Kingfisher, which is a kind of bird --
AM: Yep.
JS: -- by the gods after she and her husband called themselves Zeus and Hera. So, kind of --
AM: Never do that.
JS: It's like calling yourselves like the Beyonce and JayZ of our times.
AM: Never.
JS: Like don't fucking do that.
AM: Never.
JS: It's so dumb.
AM: Never.
JS: Like that's just inviting the gods to come down and smite you or turn you into a bird.
AM: I know. Like you can just look at each other and exchange look that's like, "Yo, we're the best. Yeah."
JS: Yo, we're the best.
AM: Don't say it.
JS: Don't call yourselves the King and Queen of gods.
AM: Just don't. Nope.
JS: It's so dumb.
AM: So dumb.
JS: So, Alkonost is actually said to live in the underworld, which actually differs her from the other two bird ladies we're going to talk about because they are said to come from paradise or Eden.
AM: Interesting. And they meet in the – in the middle ground?
JS: Kind of. So, we're going to move on to the siren next or Sirin, which gets its name from siren. So, in Russian it's S-I-R-I-N, whereas the Greek say S-I-R-E-N.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Again, bird woman, head and chest of a beautiful woman, body of a bird. Usually, it's an owl.
AM: Okay. I can – I can respect owls.
JS: Yeah. She's said to live in the "Indian lands." Like that's in quotes because --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- that's a little weird.
AM: Yeah.
JS: But it's supposed to be nearby Eden or paradise.
AM: Cool. Which I get like verdant jungle, you know.
JS: Right. Really pretty. Beautiful.
AM: Sort of South Asia. Yeah.
JS: -- Garden of Eden --
AM: Type thing.
JS: Lush Flora kind of thing. Was that weird construction?
AM: Lush, lush Flora or Fauna.
JS: Yeah. True. That's fine. They are directly linked to the Greek mythology of sirens and are usually portrayed as having some sort of crown or cloud floating above their head.
AM: Sure. Coming from paradise.
JS: Like in paintings and stuff like that.
AM: Yeah.
JS: To the saints, they sing beautiful songs and are able to tell like all of the good things that are going to happen in the future.
AM: What do you mean the saints?
JS: Like, in Christianity, later on --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- they're reference to speak to the saints. They're kind of associated with the archangels.
AM: Huh.
JS: So, they speak to the saints. They tell them all the good things that are going to happen to humans and happened to those people. But, to mortals, not so great.
AM: Hmmm.
JS: They're actually really dangerous because, if anyone hears them sing their song – it's usually men – they forget everything on Earth and follow them until they die of starvation.
AM: Wow.
JS: Yeah.
AM: That's very graphic.
JS: Yes. I dig it.
AM: As usual, the more like specific and bodily the myth, the creepier it is.
JS: Absolutely.
AM: Wow.
JS: Yeah.
AM: I guess, you know, I can see parallels to like, you know? Being too focused on the future, such that you're unable to like, you know, appreciate or even care for yourself in the present.
JS: Yeah. I think that's pretty legit.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Ironically, in stories about the Sirins, if they hear something loud like a cannon or the ringing bells or any sort of loud noise that would scare off regular birds, the men are freed from that spell. Usually, it's the women who do the freeing because men are dumb and women have to come save them.
AM: Leave us behind to clean up the mess.
JS: Towards the 17th and 18th century, Sirins become associated with harmony, and they're actually kind of brought into the fold of the church more.
AM: Really?
JS: Yeah. It's kind of another instance of synchronization, which we talked about a little bit with the Haitian Voodoo --
AM: Yes.
JS: -- where these were things that existed in Russian culture before Christianity got there.
AM: Yeah.
JS: And, in order to kind of embrace the culture, they combined it.
AM: Sure.
JS: So, they become associated with harmony, mostly because they're said to live near or in paradise. So, that kind of makes sense.
AM: And they do this sort of like the bird motif is similar to the angel motif.
JS: Right.
AM: Like feathered wings king of thing.
JS: Exactly.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Supposedly, only the happiest people are able to hear the Sirin song. And only few can see them because, "they are as fast and as difficult to catch as human happiness."
AM: Well, that's a very direct metaphor.
JS: It's a pretty legit thing, right?
AM: it is too. And like – and, again, I like that you have to sort of like fix and optimize your current life until you can like tap into this kind of vision and benefits of the future.
JS: I think that's pretty, pretty accurate. You know, you need to know where you're at and be in a good place in order to deal with the heaviness of what the future could bring.
AM: Maslow's Hierarchy type thing.
JS: Yes.
AM: Fulfill your basic needs, fulfill your basic wants and desires --
JS: They need to be happy.
AM: -- so you can self actualize and get to the purple top of the pyramid according to Mr. Elias' 12th grade --
JS: It was purple?
AM: I think so. I guess just the poster that he had. So, question, are these bird lady peoples unique to Russia or are they like – is the mythology sort of said to encompass like all of humankind origin story, you know, watching over us all type thing? Because it varies in the – in the cultures that we've studied so far.
JS: I think these specific ones are specific to Russia.
AM: Yeah.
JS: But there are – birds and fortune tend to come kind of hand in hand --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- in a lot of mythology and a lot of folklore. And I'll kind of talk about this a little later. But one of the birds that we're going to talk about actually got adapted by the Brothers Grimm. And became a lot more widespread in not more modern culture but 17th century on culture.
AM: Yes. Kind of post, post-printing press.
JS: Yes.
AM: Distribution culture.
JS: Yes. And, as you – as you kind of look at birds in any mythology, they're really associated with bringing something to humans. They're always messengers.
AM: Yeah. New knowledge messengers. Exactly.
JS: Yes. Going back to our perfect birds of Russian culture, we're finishing up with the Gamayun.
AM: Cool.
JS: She – again, woman's head. No breast on this one. So, that's pretty good. She's usually on a blackbird or ravens body.
AM: Nice.
JS: She is a symbol of wisdom and knowledge. She's kind of aware of everything that occurs in the world between men and animals, and she can also tell you men --
AM: Creepy stuff?
JS: No.
AM: Or, just like normal stuff.
JS: No. Like, like, "Oh, that squirrel had a nut this morning."
AM: Oh, I see.
JS: Not like – not like that man fucked a pig.
AM: And, now, she's – and, now, she's just gonna be like the bestiality crow.
JS: No. She's not the bestiality crow.
AM: Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
JS: Cuckoo. This guy is fucking a pig.
AM: The Prime Minister of England.
JS: Fucked a pig. Pig in the mouth. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
AM: That was too specific, Julia,
JS: I mean that's what happened though.
AM: I know. But then it just reminds me of the [16:15] image.
JS: I mean he's got a shittier legacy now. So, there's that.
AM: Brexit.
JS: Brexit. Cuckoo, cuckoo. Brexit. The Gamayun can tell you what's going on between any man and any animal. She also knows all of the stories between the gods and the heroes.
AM: Nice.
JS: While the --
AM: So, just everything.
JS: Yeah, kinda. While the Sirins are associated with prophetic tellings, the Gamayun is basically omniscient, and, so, she's kind of isolated from any other creature in the world because she is the only one who knows the secret fate of humans in the world.
AM: Wow.
JS: Yeah.
AM: Just stick to her lonely perch.
JS: Yeah, kinda like many birds when we --
AM: Get it? Birds?
JS: Oh, that's cute. Kind of like when Odin was the only one who knew that Ragnarok was coming.
AM: Yeah. Yeah.
JS: And it's kind of very isolating and lonely existence because you know everyone's gonna die, and it kind of sucks.
AM: I love these like extreme examples of just sort of like the inherent isolation of living in our own heads. Like everybody is living a life where like they are the ones who are the most self-aware just because like, you know, by definition, like we can only know our own existence. And things that we know feel secret, you know, compared to everybody else because they don't – they don't live in our heads as well. And, so, I just see these myths as like – as like a natural sort of extrapolation or, you know, extreme characterization of, you know, it's me against the world. And I know the secret knowledge and like – and what do you do with that and how to connect with other people.
JS: That got really deep, and I'm a little too drunk for that. But okay. That sounds good. The Gamayun had a song that was believed to be divine and has magical properties. But her song is difficult to decipher. And, therefore, a few people could comprehend their meaning and kind of understand their future was being prophesied.
AM: Oh, interesting. So, like it's, it's audible but not comprehensible --
JS: Yes.
AM: -- which is just out of reach.
JS: It's kind of like when people talk about hearing the voice of God and why, in Christian mythology or Christian folklore --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- why God needs the Meditron because we can't decipher – as humans, we can't decipher God's voice.
AM: Right. Our tiny maggot brains can't. Yeah.
JS: Right. So, we need another being in order to kind of be the mouthpiece or be the microphone or be the weird vocoder of god.
AM: Yeah or the, the crow songs bustier [18:42].
JS: Yes. So, she – it's really interesting because the Gamayun --
AM: How do bra work for a bird? The back and the chest are too like – they're too --
JS: I guess --
AM: Like the neck is too sloped.
JS: I think – no. I think if the bird sits upright --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- I think that --
AM: But what about when it flies? It – the neck straightens out --
JS: No. The --
AM: They just fall.
JS: I think – no. I don't think so. Not necessarily, and they’re lady heads. So, you gotta remember the lady heads.
AM: Oh, yeah. Racerback.
JS: Right. Yes. The racerback.
AM: That's the answer. Boom.
JS: The pull up in front racerback.
AM: Yes. Okay.
JS: They're all good.
AM: Glad we fixed this.
JS: We figured out bird bras.
AM: Okay, continue.
JS: We solved everything. Also, real birds wouldn't need brothers because they don't have breasts because they're not mammals.
AM: And I guess it like, you know? Botticelli Venus type Renaissance paintings, bras would be beside the point.
JS: Yeah.
AM: Yeah.
JS: You just use seashells that stick on for everything.
AM: Precisely, yeah. It's a modern human invention.
JS: Cast them off please. Cast them off. Throw your bras. Burn them, burn them.
AM: That will be an awesome bird.
JS: Burn your bras. Cuckoo, cuckoo.
AM: Cuckoo!
JS: Burn your bras.
AM: Burn your bras. Feminism. Intersectionality is important. Goodbye.
JS: That bird had a lot to say.
AM: It did. She use to practice like saying it between flaps of her wings.
JS: So, those are our bird ladies. There's one more bird though that's really important to Slavic mythology.
AM: Okay.
JS: I'm going to tell you about it, but I’m gonna get some booze first. The Firebird.
AM: Whoa.
JS: Does that sound – that sounds like such a fucking good myth, doesn't it?
AM: And like a fucking the sexy car.
JS: Yes.
AM: I like the connotations already.
JS: Really hot car.
AM: And how does it differ from a Phoenix?
JS: Okay. So, Phoenixes had that whole rebirth thing, right?
AM: They do, from the ashes.
JS: Firebirds are interesting because they are associated with both blessings --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- and harbingers of doom.
AM: Oh, wow. So, really just one or the other.
JS: Yeah. No. It's kind of both.
AM: It's flying toward your house. You're like, "All right, kids. This is going to be the best or the worst."
JS: The worst day or the best day ever. So, it's actually really interesting.
AM: Like Harry Potter's packages at – in the Great Hall, it's either a fucking cursed object that's gonna like possess him or something or like candy.
JS: Did he ever really get a possessed object?
AM: He never got either of those things actually.
JS: Yes. Because it's gonna be like it's either a broom from his godfather.
AM: Right.
JS: Or, It's a --
AM: He gets like a sweater from Mrs. Malfoy.
JS: -- Howler. Mrs. Malfoy. Amanda, who are you as a person?
AM: Oh, Mrs. Weasley.
JS: I don't even know you anymore.
AM: And the funny thing is, tomorrow, I'm recording a Harry Potter podcast and my friend, Mike.
JS: Oh, I'm jealous. The Firebird is actually really interesting because it's one of those characters that is so prominent in Russian folklore. But so prominent that it also gets adapted by the Grimm Brothers in their fairy tales later on.
AM: Oh, interesting. So like this sort of vaguely next door Germanic neighbors --
JS: Yes. Yes.
AM: -- heard of this thing even.
JS: The Eastern European Germans decided --
AM: Yeah.
JS: -- that sounds like it's something that we can do. And, when I tell you one of the fairy tales about it, you will understand kind of where that idea comes from.
AM: I'm ready.
JS: But, first, I'm going to describe it a little bit --
AM: Okay.
JS: -- because it's really interesting. So, it is a big, big bird with long plumage. Think like a less awkward-looking peacock.
AM: Okay.
JS: But it glows brightly in red, orange, and yellow light, which makes it looks like it's on fire.
AM: I like that.
JS: Interestingly, if like a feather would – were to fall off of the Firebird, it would continue glowing so brightly that it would light up an entire room like at nighttime.
AM: Oh, wow.
JS: Isn't that super cool?
AM: Which in pre-electricity Russia --
JS: Yeah.
AM: -- with like, in some parts, light for whatever – six hours a day, that would be super helpful.
JS: Right, and, so, the Firebird is actually in a lot of – a lot of fairy tales that come out of Slavic mythology and Russian folklore and that sort of thing. We're going to talk about today the story of the Firebird and Princess Vasilisa, which I probably pronounced really, really wrong. But we're just going to continue with it anyway.
AM: I know, at least, one Russian listener who will.
JS: Totally. Thanks [Inaudible 22:55].
AM: Tell us how our pronunciation is bad.
JS: In the story, there's a king's archer who is out going for hunt.
AM: Okay. A good thing for an archer to do.
JS: He runs across the Firebird’s feather.
AM: Yep.
JS: The archer's horse just starts talking to him because it's a fairy tale.
AM: Okay.
JS: And he's like, "Listen, don't touch it. Bad things will happen if you touch it."
AM: I bet he touches it.
JS: But the archer's like, "Listen, if I bring this back to the king, he's gonna be super stoked about it."
AM: Yeah. And we're paying for fucking expensive ass candles.
JS: Right. So, he ignores the horse. Brings it back to the king.
AM: Terrible. Always, always listen to your talking horse.
JS: Yes.
AM: Always. If there's an animal talking to you, fucking listen to it, right?
JS: Listen to it. The king is super excited about the feather.
AM: Yeah.
JS: But he's like, "Listen, I don't want just a fucking feather. I want the whole goddamn bird."
AM: See? You give a king a Firebird feather. Next, he wants a Firebird.
JS: So, the archer goes to his horse. Starts crying into the mane of the horse. He's like, "I didn't listen to you. I'm so sorry. How do I fix this?" And the horse is like, "Okay."
AM: Not by crying at your horse.
JS: Yeah. But the Horse tells him what to do.
AM: Yeah. Yeah.
JS: The horse goes, "Listen, put some corn in the field, the Firebird will come down to eat it, and then it will allow you to capture the bird."
AM: Okay.
JS: The archer does that. He gets the bird.
AM: Wait. If the archer is a hunter, why does he not know this plan already?
JS: Well, because the archer is used to like shooting stuff, and the bird's no good to the king if it's dead.
AM: Oh, they want to just like capture it with the net or something.
JS: Yeah.
AM: Okay.
JS: They're just like, "It's not a Firebird if it's dead," just a fucking turkey. Anyway, so, the Firebird comes down to eat. He catches the bird. The king is presented with the bird. But, now, he's like, "Listen, you managed to do this. There's a princess in the kingdom over."
AM: Oh, no.
JS: You're pretty fucking skilled apparently with catching things that are pretty.
AM: That shouldn't be caught.
JS: Bring this princess to me so I can marry her. Otherwise, I'll kill you. The archer goes to the princess lands. He gets invited into their court, he drugs the princess.
AM: What?
JS: Puts some sleeping stuff in her wine.
AM: Typical man.
JS: Brings her back to the kingdom. The king is really pleased. But then the princess wakes up, and she's like I'm not home. So, surprise.
AM: Yeah. Like she's not right.
JS: The king is not super happy with that, especially when she's like, "I won't marry you unless I find my wedding dress," which is buried under a rock in the middle of the ocean.
AM: Like, just making it up.
JS: Yeah.
AM: Okay.
JS: Well, not really because the archer, again, goes crying into his horse. The horse tells him how to get to it. The archer unburies this wedding dress. Brings it out.
AM: Wait, why, why does she have a wedding dress in the ocean?
JS: Because it's like it's her dowry, but her dowry is buried in the ocean. Because she's a magic princess.
AM: Is she magic?
JS: I mean she's a fan --
AM: Okay. I'm sorry.
JS: -- fantasy princess.
AM: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting too caught up in the details.
JS: You are.
AM: Okay.
JS: Just, just let it go.
AM: Okay. Gets the magic wedding dress that isn't somehow moldy and rotten.
JS: Right. So, the princess is stubborn and refuses to marry the king. The princess is like, "Listen, this archer dude stole me from my house. I want him punished." And the King's like, "All right. What do you want?" She's like, "You have to dip him in boiling water."
AM: Yeah.
JS: And the archer's like, "I don't want to die of boiling water. That would fucking suck."
AM: Cry baby.
JS: Goes and – he, he's being held. And he's like, "My last request before I die is I go and see my horse." And the Kings like, "That's a weird request." Okay, I guess. The horse, who was apparently magic --
AM: Talking about knowing about relations between men and beast.
JS: The horse, who is apparently magic, puts some sort of charm on the archer.
AM: Nice.
JS: So that, when he's dipped into the water, he's unharmed and somehow becomes more beautiful when he comes out of the water. The king is super jealous about this. He's like, "Well, this is the secret to eternal beauty."
AM: Did he jump in?
JS: Jumps in.
AM: Yeah.
JS: Dies.
AM: That would have been a fitting end for Ramsay Bolton too.
JS: Of course. That would have been really good. The Archer is then chosen to be king because that's how matriarchy --
AM: Why not.
JS: -- or patriarchies work apparently.
AM: Right.
JS: He marries the princess. They live happily ever after.
AM: Wow.
JS: All because of some dumb ass Firebird, almost got him killed. And then made him king with a hot ass princess.
AM: I mean the Firebird wasn't dumb necessarily. Like the Firebird's gotta eat.
JS: I mean yeah. But I'm saying that, as we kind of talked about the Firebird is this harbinger of doom, unless you do everything right, then it's good things.
AM: Fascinating. I wonder --
JS: It's so weird.
AM: I wonder what kind of like witch or mage got banished to spend like 100 years as a horse. That like this- this all powerful horse --
JS: The poor horse.
AM: -- talking and magical horse was listening there like, "Oh," and like carries the archer around. And he's crying like, "Fuck, he's out."
JS: His crying into my mane.
AM: Talking about love.
JS: I have to condition again.
AM: Does he know how to capture bird?
JS: Fucking dumbass. So, yeah, that's a – Russia has sort of a weird relationship with birds. Mostly, they're kind of evil, but can be good at some times. But yeah.
AM: Birds, man.
JS: Birds. Fucking birds.
AM: Oh, fucking birds are another word for women. Didn't even make that connection until now.
JS: Oh, no!
AM: So, many puns escaped my grasp.
JS: Yeah. The puns – the puns escaped. My mom got shit on by two little birds today. So, she went to buy some lottery tickets. So, hopefully, I'll be a millionaire soon.
AM: Oh. And my cousin told me that pigeons only poop while sitting. Whereas, seagulls only poop while flying.
JS: That's a really fun fact.
AM: It's very fun and also very practical fact.
JS: Yeah. Like you don't have to worry about a pigeon shitting on you when they all like flock up when you pass them on the subway.
AM: Which is what happens when I walk into my building every morning. A flock of about 300 pigeons flies from one side of the road to the other, and I like ducked and cower under like the archway of a bar until I recounted this. Charlie Charles' my cousin and like a magic talking horse.
JS: So, don't worry. They only shit.
AM: He was like, "Don't worry. You know, they don't poop on you while flying. Only seagulls do that." And I looked up and realized we were at the beach. I was like, “Huh.”
JS: The more you know.
Outro Music
AM: Spirits was created by Julia Schifini and me, Amanda McLoughlin. It's edited by Eric Schneider with music by Kevin MacLeod and visual design by Allyson Wakeman.
JS: Subscribe to Spirits on your preferred podcast app to make sure you never miss an episode. You can find us on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, @SpiritsPodcast.
AM: On our Patreon page, patreon.com/spiritspodcast, you can sign up for exclusive content like behind the scenes photos, audio, extras, director's commentary, blooper reels and beautiful recipe cards with custom drink and snack pairings.
JS: If you like the show, please share with your friends and leave us a review on iTunes. It really does help.
AM: Thank you so much for listening. Till next time.
Transcriptionist: Rachelle Rose Bacharo
Editor: Krizia Casil